Extra Ordinary Thing
by theraininspring
Summary: She hasn't been just Addison in ages. But she'll try and maybe she'll succeed. post episode 3.05. addek.ted.
1. Extra Ordinary Thing

Blame the plot bunnies. But don't hurt them, they're so cute.

* * *

She catches up with him at the elevators. She's hesitant; she's never seen him like this. Even after 11 years of marriage, she had never seen him like this. He's never been this, this furious.

Maybe he's never been this hurt.

"Derek," she realizes there's a hint of fear in her voice. But then again, she's been this hurt before.

His gaze turns to her, and honestly if looks could kill, she would have been in the morgue.

"I guess I'll take the stairs," he says flatly. He's holding it in but just barely.

"Derek, please. Can't we be adults about this?"

"Adults?" he spits. His voice dripping with sarcasm.

She braces for impact.

"Like adults who continually sleep with their husband's best friend? Adults who lie about the details of their _affair_? Adults _Addison_?"

Her name sounds like poison from his lips. He's nearly laughing.

"Derek, I never lied. I…"

He stops her. She knows she won't get a word in.

"Lying by omission is still lying. Everything was a lie. These last six months, nothing. Don't you see that? I would never have tried if I had known you stayed with him."

He's being so condescending.

And the saddest part, she can't help but feel she deserves it.

He looks at her one last time though not in the eye, "I want this city. This is mine."

She watches his figure head through the doors to the stairs. She never wanted this.

She feels so lost in the hallway.

She doesn't know if she'll make it home. She really doesn't care because he really didn't care. He never would have tried. And she can't seem to stop.

She wants to scream but she keeps it in.

* * *

She stands in front of the hotel mirror. To her, she looks nothing like the Addison she once known. But then again, nothing in her life now was like the Addison she knew, so maybe change was good. Change was necessary. 

She picks up the scissors and prepares for change. Bits of hair fall to the floor and a feeling of release sweeps over her.

Mark was long gone, he had an early surgery. The words he said still echoing in her mind, "At least now you don't have to feel guilty anymore."

No guilt, no guilt, no guilt. Maybe that's what brought on this change.

She had done all she could and there was nothing left to do. It was out of her hands. All she could do was live with what she had left.

She was ready, today was the day she started over.

Outside on the coffee table, the ink on the divorce papers slowly dried, her rings set beside them.

Yes, today was the day she was going to put her life back together.

* * *

_Why not believe in something, somethings got to be better than nothing  
Just because it's the end of the beginning doesn't mean it's the beginning of the end_

* * *

It's something new (I think). Hope you like it. 

And I own nothing, I swear.


	2. Bent for You

Enjoy.

_you're too young or you're too old or you're simply not inclined  
__you're asleep or you're withholding be that my cue to crave you_

* * *

She walked into the hospital, the confidence from the morning still present. Her hair six inches shorter than the day before. She had allowed it to air dry leaving it with a simple wave which just skimmed her shoulders. She had chosen a knee length black pencil skirt paired with a pair of dark green Prada pumps which pulled a stripe out of her pinstriped button up shirt. The top three buttons undone showing a tasteful amount of cleavage. 

She refused to be one of those feeble women who saw divorce as the end of their existence. This was new start, a fresh beginning. And in all honestly, if she had to be part of the hospital gossip mill it might as well be for how good she looked instead of how pathetic she appeared after the divorce.

Around her people stopped what they were doing and stared. She smiled at the nurses she knew and waved to some of her colleagues from around the hospital. Apparently they had been expecting the coffee stained sweatshirt clad Addison to come into work again.

It was tempting to hide, especially knowing the fact that everyone in the hospital probably knew of the fight that had taken place between her and Derek.

But that Addison was gone, along with all the guilt, sadness, and regret.

Well, maybe not completely gone but she was moving forward.

This was the new strong and confident Addison who didn't take Juju from anyone because she didn't need it. She'd make her own Juju.

"Don't you look nice," the petite resident came up to stand next to Addison while she flipped through her chart.

"Thanks. I thought it was time for something new," she gently ran her fingers through her hair.

"So I hear you've been talking to Jarrod. He sell you a house yet?"

Addison grinned ear to ear, "He said with my price range he would have no trouble. Though I might have to settle for only one walk in closet. He's gonna call me with some listing tonight. I should be moved out of that hotel in less than a week."

"You know he's single. Tall, mid thirties, voted one of Seattle's most eligible bachelors. And if I'm not mistaken, you need a new man in your life."

"Cute butt too," Addison said off handedly.

Both women smiled at the mental image.

"Seriously though, he is nice but I need some time alone. I haven't been just Addison in," she paused, "God, I don't even know how long. I just need to be me. Find a way to be happy again."

Miranda smirked, "Amen to that. Men, you see, are highly overrated. Except my little Tuck, he's a bundle of sunshine"

They laughed again and relished the moment they had free before Addison's pager went off.

"I'm needed."

"I'll save you a spot at lunch. No more eating with Sloan or sneaking off to the on call room to finish lunch alone."

Addison gave a thankful nod and walked toward the NICU.

* * *

She found Mark at the third floor nurses station, eyes on his chart though they did occasionally glance up at the young nurses. Mark would never change, of that she was sure. 

She had broken up with Mark several times since his arrival in Seattle but this time she wasn't going to get drunk and call him. That was the old Addison. Though there was no denying that her stomach did flutter a little when he looked at her.

He might have really loved her but all he did was bring her down.

"Mark…"  
His gaze turned to her and she hesitated again. He looked at her like Derek used to.

"Addison…wow. This is quite a change. You haven't had your hair this short since," he paused, wrinkles forming on his forehead, "Since, never…But you do look damn amazing with it."

His hand shifted onto her back as the pulled her closer, "It's so sexy."

He moved into kiss her and she pulled back, "We need to talk Mark."

He stepped back and groaned loudly, "You know we have this conversation every week, wait, everyday Addison. We fight and argue and guess what, we end up having mind blowing sex so let's just skip the middle and get to the sex."

He stepped forward again, arms on her hips.

"I'm serious Mark. I am officially divorced today. See, no ring," she paused placing a hand on his chest while she shook her bear ring finger, "I'm moving forward with my life. I'm buying a house. A house with closets! Closets that I need to fill with my own clothes."

"That doesn't mean anything Addison. It doesn't mean we can't..."

She placed a gentle hand on his mouth, "I'm single for the first time in nearly two decades Mark. I can't start over if I'm tied to the past. You knew this was coming. You knew from the start."

"But I love you."

"No Mark. You loved what I had with Derek. You got to a point in your life where you wanted what we had and I made it all too easy for you to think that's what you were getting. Me and you, we would just crash and burn. It's better to strap on a parachute and jump while there's still time. Maybe then we can save our friendship because what I need Mark, what I really need, is a friend."

She wrapped her arms around herself.

He sighed and pulled her into a hug.

"You will always have a friend in me Addison. No matter what happens," he said assuredly. His grip tightened around her.

"We wouldn't be friends if I broke you Mark. Look at me and Derek."

She pulled herself out of his arms and began to walk away.

She stopped after a few steps, "But today is a new day."

It would be hard; she had no doubt about that. And she was sure she'd stumble along the way but in all honestly, she really didn't have any other choice.

* * *

She entered the elevator to meet Miranda. Her conversation with Mark still heavy on her mind. But she had meant what she said earlier. No men until she sorted out her life. And as if on cue, the reason for all her distress entered the elevator. 

She swore the elevator Gods hated her.

On the next floor two terrified nursing students who had gotten on the elevator with Addison dashed out even though they had pressed floor seven and they were only on three.

No one wanted to be in the middle of the storm that was Derek and Addison.

A heavy silence filled the small elevator. Derek's stance, his entire demeanor remained condescending like the night before.

She thought for a moment for standing in the silence but everything he said still echoed in her mind. And this time she knew she didn't deserve it.

"You walked out on our life together. Regardless of whatever I did, you did, we did, you walked away. And I was left with nothing. So I tried to make something out of that nothing, and I made mistakes but I paid for them."

She closed her eyes.

"I came here and I tried to fix what was broken. But no matter what you say, I tried alone. So, I'm done. I'm done with the guilt. I'm done with the spite. I'm done with you. I've earned this city and I've earned my place here, with or without you."

She felt like a weight she didn't even know existed was lifted off her chest.

His back remained turned though his shoulders sagged a little.

"I…I…" he started. He was obviously unsure of what he wanted to say.

"I don't want to hear it Derek. I'm done. All of it, I signed the papers. I'm done."

The elevator dinged and Addison walked away for the first time. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard.

* * *

_i have waited for you and adjusted for you and i'm done  
__i have deferred to you and enabled you and i'm done  
__i have bent for you and i've deprived for you and i'm done  
__i have depressed for you and contorted for you and i'm done  
__i have stifled for you and i've compromised for you and i'm done  
__i have silenced for you and sacrificed for you and i'm done_

* * *

Alanis Morissette. 

So, no men til her life is sorted out, thats her decision. But that doesn't mean they aren't gonna try. hint Keep an eye out for a familiar face


	3. Landslide

_i took my love, i took it down  
i climbed a mountain and i turned around  
and i saw my reflection in the snow covered hills  
'til the landslide brought it down_

She walked through the first floor of the house. It reminded her of the house she had grown up in as a child. Old oak hardwood floors, a big fireplace, a backyard with a tire swing. The difference of course this one was empty. Yes there was furniture but no photos or trinkets from trips. But she was sure she'd fill it with memories. It would just take some time.

She smiled and pulled out the keys. She finally owned a home, no hotel, no trailer. Just her and a place she could make her own.

She turned towards the door at the sound of a door bell. She hadn't even moved in, she had barely signed the mortgage. Who was disturbing her Zen moment?

She opened the door hesitantly. It was Mark.

"What are you doing here?"

"What do you mean 'what am I doing here?' You aren't even going to get a friend's opinion before you dive head first into your real estate escapade?"

"I already had Miranda over and my real estate agent is the best in Seattle."

He grinned, "Well let's celebrate then."

He pulled out a very large, very expensive bottle of wine.

"Mark," her tone weary.

She refused to get drunk and do something she'd regret later.

"I know, I know, friends only…At least until you sort everything out," he winked and Addison smiled, "Now let me in before I need to build an ark."

* * *

"Do you think its bad luck that it hasn't stopped raining once in the last three days Mark?" 

Her voice so quiet he could barely hear.

"Like a bad omen. What if it's a sign? Maybe its God's way of telling me I should leave Seattle."

She always thought too much when she drank wine.

Mark emptied the rest of the bottle into his glass. She didn't need anymore.

"No I do not in way, shape, or form think rain is a bad omen. Rain is good. It's washing away the old, the sins, the lies and its letting something new grow. Rain makes life."

She wouldn't lie, when he said things like that she sometimes felt like she could fall in love with him.

She sighed, he sounded like Derek. They were so similar it scared her sometimes. They'd never admit it or even see it but there was something about them. Mannerisms and actions, patterns of speech, just something. The way they acted when they thought no one was watching. The way they acted when they had an audience. The way they acted with her.

But you only really saw it if really only knew them.

Maybe that's why she turned to him when she felt like Derek was lost. He knew what to say and how to act. He knew Derek. He knew her.

"And there isn't a hospital on this planet that wants a surgeon who has bailed on two multimillion dollar contracts in the same year."

And then there was Mark everyone knew again.

"I knew your voice of reason would emerge eventually."

"Well I had to. You were giving me that look."

"What look?"

"That 'you and Derek are so similar' look. I _hate_ that look."

She groaned. Why could be read her so easily.

"I was not and I do not give you that look."

"It makes me feel like you don't see me. Like I'm a second Derek or something. You always gave it to me in New York. Like I wasn't good enough alone."

He sounds so sad and there are tears in her eyes.

"I think that's why I cheated. I didn't want you to see me as Derek. I'm Mark. I needed you to love Mark."

"I'm sorry. I never meant to use you. I never…"

He puts a hand to her lips to stop her, "I was a willing partner; you used me as much as I used you. We were what we were to each other."

He always knew what to say. They were what they were.

"I think we've had too much to drink."

Mark nodded and pulled her down so she was in his arms on the couch, her back to his chest. She gave no struggle.

He held her tight but not in a sexual way. In the way she needed to be for the last few weeks.

"I know its hard Addy. I see you struggling but don't be afraid to ask for help. I will always be your friend no matter how you see me."

She closed her eyes. Sometimes it felt good to not be so strong. She was glad she had a friend for those moments.

_well, i've been afraid of changing cause i've  
built my life around you  
time makes you bolder  
even children get older  
and i'm getting older, too  
i get older, too_

* * *

So I turned in a 12 page term paper on women in politics earlier today. Let's just say I printed it out and had 3 minutes to sprint to class before it was late. But you know the first thing I did after I caught my breath? I wrote this. It isn't what I originally saw the chapter being but all I wanted to do was write it, regardless of where it went. Hope it works. And the men are coming. I just realized Addison needed a place to bring them back to, if she ever wanted to bring one back. 

And I'm not Maddison but Addy needs a friend and like Mark said, he's her friend regardless of what happens in her love life (at least that's why my Mark said).

And the song can be the dixie chicks or smashing pumpkins—I love 'em both!

Thanks for reading. And remember to reivew bc its been a stressful week (and its not even over yet!)


	4. Friends to the End

It has been forever hasn't it? I'm sorry for that. Good news, I survived another semester...let's see if I can make it through another...

_you'll go right  
i'll go left_

_

* * *

She stood outside the NICU, scribbling notes on her newest preemie when she felt a tap on her shoulder. How had she not smelled the Chanel earlier? _

Both women screamed in high pitch voices and enveloped each other in enormous hugs.

"It has been much too long," Addison said as they broke apart.

Nancy stepped back taking in the woman who was her best friend for the past 15 years. Her tall thin frame dressed in designer labels the likes of Seattle had only seen on Addison. Her hair perfectly in place, her pants just the right length to end at her heel. She screamed East Coast and looked so out of place in the Seattle Grace hallway.

"You've changed. I see it," her finger at her lip, "And it's not just your hair, which I love by the way, but just something."

"It's good to see you too," Addison laughed.

Nancy hugged her once again, "It is more than good to see you. You don't even know how much I've missed you. Come on, I am in desperate need of a new pair of Choos after my encounter last night. Please tell me there is some store in this God forsaken wilderness that sells a pair."

Nancy rushed on, as though nothing had happened in the past year. As though she and Derek were still together. As though she had never slept with Mark. As though they were still really family.

She ignored the doubt in her mind.

"You know Nancy, you are one lucky woman because my surgery for the afternoon just delivered two very healthy twins so I am free for the rest of the day."

"Or maybe I induced labor early this morning to ensure you'd have the day off."

Addison smiled, "Remind me to never to get on your bad side."

"Don't worry, you'd have to try very hard. Now hurry up and go get changed. You look very sexy in pink scrubs but not shoe shopping sexy," she ushered Addison towards the elevator.

She entered and turned towards Nancy, holding the elevator doors open, "I missed you too."

* * *

They sat a small café. A place that sold real espresso and macchiato, like in New York. It had taken Addison two weeks to find the place. She had missed coffee, real coffee. Not the generic coffee found at very corner. 

She supposed she missed New York more than anything else.

"So, what made you cut your hair?"

Addison shrugged, "I was just ready for a change. Something different."

"Like Derek and this whole lumber jack look?"

She brought the coffee to her mouth. It felt strange talking about Derek. Familiar but unknown.

"I think Derek was always a lumberjack at heart."

Nancy laughed, "Please. He grew up with seven girls. That man used to wear my designer dresses and heals till he was 10 and a half. The only manly thing he had going on was having Mark as a best friend."

She had to admit, Derek was quiete awkward when she had first met him. But that's what had made him stand apart as well.

"You know, Cat would find this all so interesting. She'd psychoanalyze you two to no end."

"Well that makes me even more glad you came instead of her."

Her hands rested on the table. Her posture relaxed.

It wasn't until Nancy touched her hand to Addison's bare ring finger that Addison suddenly felt uncomfortable.

"You don't wear them anymore?"

"Of course not, I signed the divorce papers over a week ago."

She brushed off the comment like it was no big deal. Like she hadn't pinned those rings to the front of her scrubs for the past 12 years. Like she didn't wake up for three days straight wondering where they went.

"I bought a house."

She changed the subject. She didn't want to talk about the divorce. Or the affair.

"Oh, that's great Addy."

Nancy's voice strained and she looked off to the side of Addison. Watching the rain slowly drip from Seattle's dark clouds.

"What is it Nance?"

"It's just, you guys aren't Derek and Addison anymore. I just, I thought I could change things."

She appreciated her honesty.

"No one can change that Nance. We stopped being Derek and Addison a long time ago. Just neither of us realized. But I am still Addison and I've got to learn to live being just Addison now."

"Maybe you both just need to find yourselves again."

She was the eternal optimist.

"How are things between you and Derek?"

Addison tried not to laugh, "Let's just say I'm starting to get frostbite."

Nancy shook her head, "For a neurosurgeon that man sure does not know how to use his brain. I think mom's ready to disown him."

"You guys are horrible."

"Well, can you blame us? Honestly, I haven't seen him in over a year and a half, mom in a year. He never writes, he never calls. He acts like we don't exist. I've talked to you more often than him."

She was hit with guilt. Had she driven Derek away from this family? Her affair, her betrayal?

"Don't you even dare think this is your fault Addison. This was long before anything happened between you two. You did not run Derek anywhere. He chose. We were his family and he turned away from us."

"Addison, even when you were with Mark you called. Mom's birthday. My anniversary. You were there."

Addison's mind froze. They knew about her and Mark. A million possibilities ran through her mind. Had Derek mentioned it? What could she say? How would she explain? Most important, could they still love her?

"Now don't look so surprised. Just because Derek has his head up his ass doesn't mean the rest of us do."

Her head fell, "Nancy, how do I even start?"

"Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying sleeping and staying with Mark was justified but circumstances given, you did all you could."

Addison was near tears. A response she did not expect.

"You're my sister babe. We all make mistakes but I'm here for you, through thick and thin."

She gave Addison's hand a squeeze, "Now tell me about this house of yours."

_straight through the heart  
im there for you and  
i know you're there for me_

_

* * *

_

Just randomness. Don't we all just love Nancy? And her total mind reading ability about Mark and Addison? She'll come back. She's too fun to let go.

I'm getting somewhere, this is like setting up the background. It'll hit ya in a chapter or two. I swear.

And I rewrote this chapter 2 times before I realized I wasn't getting any closer to the vision in my mind. Sorry if its confusing. Good news is I have the next chapter half written. So thanks for the reviews, they make me feel like someone might understand my madness.

Relient K


	5. Mercy

It isn't Christmas but its before New Years...thats something...I think. Well, enjoy. And Nancy will be back, we do love her East Coast ways much too much to only be present for one chapter! You just gotta wait some.

As always, remember the 3 R's, read, review, and...umm...recycle...

* * *

_We both knew what we wanted  
And we took it believing it free_

"This place is really starting to shape up," Callie said as she carried in another box full of Addison's shoes.

"I know," she smiled, she was making a home.

She wore a pair of painters jeans which hugged her curves with a Polo button up flannel pattern shirt, made of cotton, and designer sneakers on her feet. She carried off casual chic very well.

"Thanks for helping me again. I don't think I would have been able to carry all those shoes in by myself."

Callie laughed, "No problem. And thanks for letting me rent out the guest bedroom. I just…you know, student loans and all."

"Don't worry. I wasn't always a world renowned neonatal surgeon. My parents didn't quite approve of my marriage to Derek. I remember them telling me something about there being more suitable ways to rebel against them. I guess they thought if they stopped paying for Med School or my apartment I'd leave Derek. It was tough for a while but we managed…"

Her voice trailed off and she stared out the window. It was still hard to refer to her life with Derek in the past tense; the best times of her life had been with him.

But her life was far from over; this was just a new chapter.

"But anyways, it'll be nice having some company. I've never actually lived alone."

"I've never had a roommate," Callie said apprehensively.

Both women laughed.

"Well, this should be interesting."

Callie shifted the box and finally set it down.

"Listen Addison, I just wanted you to know that there is nothing between Mark and I. And, I won't bring any rowdy guys over. I'll…"

"Don't worry Callie. There is a separate door to the guest bedroom so you can bring whoever you want in and out of this house. And if that person is Mark I am perfectly fine with it. Me and Mark are so much less than what everyone talks about."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Regardless. I think I'm taking a break from guys. Things with George are so, so…" she groaned loudly, her hands up in the air.

"It's ok, I've been there. Or at least somewhere similar, what happened?"

She took a seat on the couch. Callie sat at the other end.

"I just don't know. He's in, he's out. He's ready, he needs time. I just, I hate being that girl. The one who…I don't know," she shook her head, at a loss for words, "Just that girl who needs attention or approval or something. Just _that_ girl and George makes me that girl. Plus he called me the pig."

"The pig?"

"Yeah, the pig. I guess it was a metaphor, or something. I didn't really follow."

"Men," Addison said as she shook her head and sighed. Callie laughed softly.

"I'm not one to give out relationship advice considering my marriage ended because I cheated on my husband with his best friend but I've come to realize you have to fight for what you want. Things like love don't come easy and when you think you've found it, you have to hold on. And if it's really worth it, sometimes you need patience. You just have to decide if this thing with George is worth waiting for or if the other possibilities on the horizon are better."

"So, does Mark think you're worth the wait?"

"That's not fair."

"Of course it is. Now dish."

She didn't know where to start. So much of what she had was Derek and Mark that it was hard to explain how they could be everything and nearly nothing at the same time.

"We were like the three musketeers back in New York. We even did the 'all for one and one for all thing' before surgeries."

"Don't tell me you had scalpels or something. Please tell me you didn't have scalpels."

Addison laughed, "Sadly, sometimes we did. It was just how we were. We got each other Juju and rented movies together. We were like a package deal. Hell, Mark even came along when Derek and I went on vacation. But, I guess, Derek and I were always closer. We'd sneak off, leave early, just be together in a way Mark couldn't be a part of. I think more than anything that is what Mark wanted. He wanted closeness and somehow I gave him that for a while. When I was with Mark, it was easy but it wasn't second nature. It didn't feel right, or good. It just never felt like love."

Like with Derek.

Her voice caught in her throat.

Her life would be easier if it was. Divorcing Derek wouldn't be so hard if she could simply love Mark.

"We're just friends who got lost. There is nothing worth waiting for between me and Mark."

Her pager went off, "Duty calls. You can stay and finish moving your things in. I'll be back in a bit."

"That sounds good," Callie stood up and gently touched Addison's arm, "And a marriage doesn't end because of one person. Just like it took two people to take those vows, it takes two to break them."

Addison sighed again. She knew that, just every once in a while she forgot.

"Thanks Callie."

She headed towards the door. It would be nice to have some company.

_There is no hope in regretting now  
All the pain that we could not see  
We both knew what we wanted  
And we took it believing it free_

* * *

sarah mclachlan 


	6. Boston

Enjoy--and review, it makes my day! And thanks for recyling :)

* * *

Mark gasped, "Is that flannel she's wearing? And I thought I'd never see the day."

He came up and stood next to her, a coffee in his hand.

In the room behind her was the emergency consult, a very pregnant woman who had started off the holidays on the wrong foot by spilling a boiling pot of water on herself. Her skin covered in bandages and fear across her face. Mark needed her to make sure the baby was alright.

"It cost $179 and it is one hundred percent cotton for your information. I just liked the print."

She snatched the coffee and took a sip. It was her favorite.

"Thanks for the coffee."

He turned his head and gave her his million dollar smile.

Something was up.

"What is this for?" She held up the coffee.

She really wasn't in the mood for his games.

"Just saying thanks for coming in for the consult."

"Oh, well, it wasn't really you. I'd come in for anyone."

He leaned in further.

"Honestly, what is it?"

"Oh, nothing."

She glared.

"Well, there is the little fact that I was in the locker room a few minutes ago and all the doctors were trying to build up the courage to ask you out."

She gave him a sly smile.

"Well, you should have told them I'm not available."

He stood up a little taller, straightening his collar.

"People generally ask before they assume but no harm done, I am still very interested in dating, well, you."

He was grinning like a child.

"Oh, get over yourself Mark. It isn't you."

His face faltered, "What do you mean it isn't me. Who is it? Huh?"

She remained quiet.

"What, you don't want to tell me? It isn't Karev, is it?"

He chuckled at the thought but his face remained serious.

"Just because the other Attendings can't seem to keep their hands off the interns doesn't mean I can't," she paused, "Though he does have a cute backside."

She quickly shook her head, "Regardless, Seattle Grace is a teaching hospital, not love connection."

Mark looked satisfied that his protégé wasn't the object of her desires though still visibly upset he wasn't what she was after.

"Well, who is it?"

She rubbed her toe in the ground, unsure of how to explain, "It isn't a person, per say. It's more a rule, a very big rule. I am not going to get involved with anyone at this hospital, and more importantly not with any doctors. I am done with men who have impossible schedules."

"You know I've always wanted to own my own business."

She shoved him in the ribs, "You love what you do, and you do not love me. Repeat that every night before you go to bed."

"I'll try."

She cleared her throat, "You know, I'm living with Callie."

"And?"

"And she's nice, funny, very sexy. And," she dragged the word a little, "You blushed when I mentioned her name."

"Men do not blush"

His cheeks were a noticeable pink.

She giggled, "I think you two would make a good couple. She'd put you in your place."

His pager went off, "Well, thanks for the advice; I'll keep it in mind. See you later beautiful."

She laughed softly to herself. Her and Karev, she really thought Mark would have given her more credit than that.

"So were you and Mark discussing move in plans?" Derek's voice was cold, his expression dark.

"Grow up Derek. There is nothing romantic between me and Mark and hasn't been in the past year."

She pulled her files together. She had not had a civil conversation with Derek since the divorce.

"So I guess sleeping with him the entire time I was in Seattle was a fluke. Or is the thrill gone now that you're divorced?"

She groaned.

"Will it ever get old? I really thought you would have that realized that throwing Mark in my face every chance you get doesn't hurt me by now. I've moved on and with who is none of your business. God Derek, so have you."

He remained rigid beside her and she shook her head.

"This is a childish game you're playing and I don't know how many times I have to tell you but I'm done with it."

She gave Derek one last pity filled look before turning her heal and entering the patient's room to reassure her that she and the baby would be perfectly fine.

_You don't know me, you don't even care,  
She said  
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains..._

* * *

Augustana

next time: Addison meets a man, a hott man. yay!


	7. Maybe That's Something

This is long…I thought of dividing it but it just all fits, so I hope it works.

And I know that I said this fic was going to be Addek, but there's a long road before then. Definitely Addicentric for the time being. I hope you all still enjoy the fic and Addison rediscovering herself post divorce.

And remember to review; it helps make the sun shine a little bit brighter in my snow (and ice) covered town!

* * *

Addison's leaned across the table, the cue held straight. She lined up the shot, and hit the ball swiftly. Another ball fell into a pocket.

She maybe didn't need to lean so far or have her back so arched but she didn't mind that every eye in the place was on her.

Even Derek, who was sitting with Meredith in the back, was glancing at her every now and then. His expression was unreadable.

"You didn't tell me you were this good," Callie grumbled. She had yet to sink a ball.

"My dad used to play. He never wanted me to get hustled so he taught me how to hustle."

Callie laughed, "And all my dad taught me was algebra."

"It wasn't all that great. He taught me how to shoot a gun too. And then every time I brought a boy home he'd pull the rifle out and tell them I knew how to use it."

"So you'd do the dirty work for him."

Addy smiled, "Pretty much."

She leaned forward again, taking only a second to examine the shot and hit the last ball into the pocket.

"Game."

"Well, how 'bout I buy you a victory beer."

"Thanks. Next time I'll let you go first."

Callie rolled her eyes, "Like that will help."

"Perhaps I could do the honor of buying a victory beer," a thick Australian accent said from the end of the table.

Addison looked up to meet green eyes and an Armani suite.

"Well, I haven't beaten you to let you buy me a victory beer."

She didn't sound cold, rather just disinterested. Callie watched an amused look on her face.

"You know, George just came in so I'm gonna go talk to him, about…yeah, I'm gonna go talk to George."

"Callie, wait…I thought we were going to play another game?"

"I'm too tired; though I'm sure someone else wouldn't mind playing."

She unceremoniously nodded her head towards the Australian.

Addy glared at Callie's retreating form.

"Your friend is very…intriguing."

She smiled, "She's single, ya know."

"I actually have my eye on someone else."

He didn't take his eyes off of her.

She was a little taken back by his candor, though there was no denying she was intrigued.

She gathered the balls and racked them.

"So, aren't you a little overdressed for this place?"

"I'm in town on business. We have an Emerald City in Chicago, though it's a little bit less…" he looked around the bar, trying to find a kind word, "homey than this place."

Addy couldn't help but smile. He seemed so out of place for Joe's but he did seem to fit right in for the bar scene in an urban area. She was sure if she scoured Seattle she'd find a savvy bar like in New York but the convenience of Joe's always brought her here instead.

"So, how about it? Winner buys the other a beer."

She nodded; she saw no harm in swindling the well dressed man for a beer.

"So what's your name?"

"Riley Graham." He flashed her a smile before taking off his slate grey suit jacket. The maroon shirt beneath fit his body perfectly, not to mention that his body was near perfection itself.

She leaned back and drained a large amount of beer out of the bottle. When she looked back down, his eyes were on her. She felt her cheeks flush.

She quickly looked back at the table and took the shot. It wasn't skilled but at least she had managed to hit something.

"What's yours?"

He was moving around the table trying to find a good shot.

She quickly realized she couldn't take her eyes off of him. She glanced around the bar; it appeared that every other woman in the bar felt the same way.

"Addison."

"Just Addison?" He ended up next to her, his shoulder brushing hers as he leaned in for the shot.

She shivered a little though not cold.

"Yeah, just Addison."

* * *

Slowly the game progressed. Though she struggled at first, after the first shot Addy managed to beat him nearly as bad as Callie. She also noticed that she had gone through three bottles of beer, all of which Callie had sent as soon as the last was finished.

They had discussed many things as the game had progressed. Favorite city in the world, best bar in New York, most relaxing vacation spot. Along with reasons why if there was one thing you did in life it should be traveling.

"So you do know you owe me that victory beer now. Joe knows what I like."

She leaned on the edge of table.

"I'd be more than willing," he turned towards the bar and returned with two beers. He sat next to her, their bodies slightly touching.

"Thanks," she took the beer and began to walk away.

"You know the only decent thing to do would be to let me win my honor back with another game."

She turned slowly and shook her head, "I think I've had more than enough beer."

"Alright, we could make it a little bit more interesting. Perhaps some kind of wager," there was a spark in his eyes.

She walked back towards him slowly.

"You don't have anything I want."

"We could change that."

She raised an eyebrow and gave him a doubtful look.

"I'll buy the entire bar a round of drinks if you beat me again."

It was tempting to think the Australian sending Derek a drink. His glares had only become worse since they had started playing.

He cleared his throat, "And if I win, I get a kiss."

He had now leaned forward, closing the space between them.

Her heart raced.

"I don't play like that."

He shrugged his shoulders, "It was merely a suggestion."

She looked into his eyes, they were trusting, "Well, that would only be if you beat me. You should be warned I haven't lost a game of pool in years."

"Then I shall be your fool."

He extended his hand and she shook it hesitantly.

She racked the balls and took a shot. The balls scattered but none went into pockets.

'Next time,' she thought to herself.

He quickly shuffled and hit two balls.

She shifted her weight from foot to foot, nervously.

He aligned the shot sending another two balls into pockets.

"Should I be concerned?"

Her voice faltered.

"Just a little. You see, my mother taught me how to hustle, and if there is one thing I know it is that if you want something done right, you should have a woman do it."

She gave him a forced smile.

"You know that is isn't fair. It's pretty much illegal here in the States."

"No sweetie, its strategy. I knew what I wanted, I just had to work on how to get it," he winked at her.

He was now on the last ball.

Her knees felt weak.

She turned and leaned on the table again but heard the clink of the last ball fall into the pocket.

She Addison Montgomery-Sheppard had been swindled, the first time in her life.

He set the cue down and sat next to her, their limbs brushed again.

"You should know I plan on collecting."

"I expect no less. I am a woman of my word."

She turned towards him, her eyes closed.

His hand held her chin softly and she felt his breath on her face. And she'd be lying if she wasn't a little anxious.

His lips grazed her cheek and she opened her eyes, stunned.

"I may know how to hustle but I am a gentleman. A woman's honor is her honor."

She looked him in the eye, they still had a spark.

She leaned forward, closing the small distance between them and allowed their lips to meet for a second.

Her breathe caught in her throat and she felt very dizzy.

* * *

She gathered her coat and ran out. She heard his Australian voice call after her. She didn't care, she couldn't breathe. She had to get out...Out out out.

She leaned against the wall of Joes. Her knees buckling slightly and she felt the need to empty her stomach.

She leaned forward, her hands on her thighs.

She didn't have that much to drink, though it did feel like it hit her, just then.

"Addison," Callie's familiar voice called as she ran out of the bar.

"What happened back there?"

She shook her head. She couldn't breathe.

"What happened?"

She still didn't respond.

Callie grabbed her by the shoulders, "You looked like you were having fun. Hell, you even kissed him. What's wrong Addison?"

She couldn't tell if it was the rain or if there were tears running down her face.

"I felt something," her voice barely audible.

"What?"

"I felt something," her voice louder but still just as shaky.

"And that's a bad thing because?"

She continued to lean on the wall.

"I haven't felt anything since Derek." Her eyes closed.

Not even Mark.

They stood in silence for a few moments and finally Callie answered like the voice of reason, "Maybe you just didn't _want_ to feel anything before now."

She helped Addison up and got into the cab Joe had called for.

Need or want, it was unexpected and Addison was still trying to simply breathe on the ride home.

_Maybe that's something  
Maybe that's one thing more than I've seen  
Maybe that's something more than nothing_

* * *

Sheryl Crow

So she's feeling something! I mean she can't just leave a marriage of nearly 12 years and not freak out when she feels something. But yeah, things will get very interesting in the next chapter so review and maybe I'll post it sooner!


	8. Through the Dark

Thanks for reviewing—they did make the sun shine a little brighter! Hope you enjoy…

* * *

"What the hell happened between you and Derek?" 

She pulled Mark into the supply closet.

"Nothing."

He reached for the knob.

She blocked the door.

"Oh, don't do that. All the nurses are whispering and everyone stops as soon as I am anywhere near them. What happened?"

"Nothing, just Derek was talking and I couldn't take it. So I hit him."

"You hit him?! What was he saying?"

"Nothing." He just shrugged his shoulders and reached for the door knob again.

"Mark, what did he say?"

She looked him in the eye, her arms across her chest.

"He was saying something about you and being promiscuous and something about an Australian." He shakes his head, brushing off what he said like it was nothing.

Her mouth dropped.

"You are not serious."

His expression didn't change.

"Oh my God. You are serious."

She leaned against the door and slowly slid to the floor.

"This is not happening. This is not happening…"

"Addison, come on. It's not that bad. I mean, at least he's sporting another kink in that already crooked nose of his."

She remained rigid with her eyes closed, her mouth silently repeating the words.

He bent down to hold her shoulders softly.

"It's really not that bad."

"Why Mark? I just, I don't know what to do. I avoid him, I talk to him. It all ends in the same way and I know I shouldn't care but I do. I can't help it."

"Isn't it obvious Add?"

She looked up, "Obvious what?"

"Why Derek is being this way…"

Her expression was blank.

"Ok, look," he sat down beside her, "When you and Derek were together, all he could think about was Meredith."

She groaned, "This isn't helping Mark."

"Just listen. He wanted Meredith and now he finally has her but I guess he never really thought of what it would be like without having you. I don't think it ever crossed his mind that there'd be other men, that you'd move on."

She didn't say anything for a moment just letting the thought sink in. Finally she replied, "That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. You're implying my ex-husband who didn't want to be with me so badly that he cheated on me at the Prom is jealous that I'm with other people. Come on, even you aren't that dense."

"I'm being serious. Think about it Addy. He left New York and thought you were miserable. But you weren't and he freaked out when he found out. And now, he sees you with other guys, he hears other guys talk about you. He just hates it."

She stood up and dusted off her skirt, "So he just wants me to be miserable and alone. Great. Generally ex-husbands just want to keep the cars but mine wants me to live a sad pathetic life alone."

"We all know it takes Derek a little longer than everyone else to get things. I don't think he realized what a catch you were. I mean, you were the hottest thing this hospital has seen since that nurse on nurse video was found."

She simply looked at him sideways before he replied, "Hey, people talk."

She shook her head and reached for the door knob, though this time he stopped her.

"Look, you are doing nothing wrong. Derek is being an ass and I think he has somewhat learned his lesson. I made sure he has a pretty little reminder that you are free to do whatever you want. Even if it's Australian men."

She whacked him on his side and he winced.

"For your information I did not do anything with the Australian, we barely kissed."

"Just didn't feel right unless it was me, huh?"

She shook her head, "No, it felt different," she had dropped her voice.

She looked at him again, "I'm sorry Mark. I never felt it with you. You were, perfect in some ways but you weren't the one. I always knew."

He didn't react, just stood there for a second. It felt like hours before he responded.

"I understand. I'm Mark for God sake. I know you won't ever feel it. I've always known, I just liked to fool myself into thinking I could get a woman like you."

He stepped aside.

"You'll find her Mark. I promise, underneath all that tough guy exterior there is something that will amaze some girl."

She ignored what may have been tears.

* * *

She walked hesitantly into the large building. She wasn't ready for a relationship, that much she had realized but she was ready for something new. There was a place in her heart that needed to be filled. 

The woman had directed her to the back, allowing her to browse herself. When asked what kind, Addison had said she didn't know. She was going to trust her heart.

There were cute dogs, and some adorable puppies but nothing that fit. She sighed loudly and leaned against the wall, maybe this was a mistake.

"Dr. Sheppard?"

She turned to meet eyes with Finn Dandridge; she really did not expect to ever see him again.

She noticed that he'd lost some weight, and he was clean shaven. His shirt was of a non flannel material adding to the new look.

She couldn't help but think how well he cleaned up.

"Actually, I go by Dr. Montgomery-Sheppard now, exclusively," she pauses, "You know, after the…I just, you know…"

She trailed off.

"It's ok, don't worry about it."

"So how are you doing Dr. Dandridge?"

She hadn't felt this awkward since grade school. But then again she was trying to carry on a conversation with the ex-boyfriend of the woman who was sleeping with her ex-husband. Awkward was only the beginning.

"Good, good. And please call me Finn. Dr. Dandridge was my dad."

He laughs awkwardly. At least she wasn't alone in the feeling.

"And call me Addison."

He nods at her.

"So you're looking for a dog?"

She smiles, "Yeah, one who doesn't believe Jimmy Choos are an appetizer but that's really only secondary. I amazingly miss Doc, I wasn't ever a dog person but somehow I miss having him at the foot of the bed. So, here I am..." she shuffled her shoes, "Are you getting a dog?"

He lifts up his small vet's case, "I'm actually here on a consult. Someone found a puppy on the side of the road, looks like he has some intestinal problems. Owners probably didn't want to go through the hassle of having him looked at or put to sleep."

Her smile fades, "That's horrible."

Finn nods, "I guess sometimes it's easier to just pretend like the problem doesn't exist and forget about it," he paused, "I can fix him but without a home, it doesn't look good."

She doesn't know if it's a good idea but she wants to see the dog.

"Can I see him?"

"Sure, he's back here. He's really small, probably the runt and he still can't take large amounts of milk. But I think he's got a good chance."

They walked to the back of the facility where a small dog lay. He raised his head slightly at the sound of the door and Addison's heart dropped. He was so tiny, his eyes so large. He was perfect.

"I'll take him."

Finn smiled, "He needs a lot of help Addison."

She nods her head, "I'll take good care of him. I just know he's the one."

"Then let's go get the paperwork filled out and get this guy all fixed up."

She rubs the dog's ear one last time and knows he feels it too. This was perfect.

"Thank you Finn."

He smiled largely at her again and she swore she felt something like butterflies. At least this time she could still breathe.

_well this is all new  
and i'm feeling my way through the dark_

_i know that it's true  
'cause i'm feeling my way through the dark_

* * *

KT Tunstall 

Ok, I apologize that the Australian could not make another appearance (it was very tempting to write him but even with the hott accent and all he had to go back to Chicago.) But on the bright side, Finn's here! I mean come on, we're talking Chris O'Donnell, he's like real person hott.

But yeah, Addison is getting a dog because she somehow became a dog person. And Finn is going to help her with the dog, a lot. Ok, that was the hint, now review ;)!


	9. Kingdom Come

Thanks for the reviews; they make me feel like its ok to hear little Grey's Anatomy voices in my head :).

Addek will come in eventually, though they have a dark and twisted path ahead of them. Mostly one in which Derek realizes what an ass he is but that's beside the point. Till then we will enjoy lots of AddInn (my name for Addison and Finn).

* * *

_I don't know which way I'm going,  
I don't know what I've become._

He pulled out his phone at the sound of a text. Addison was going to be a few minutes late. He frowned; he really didn't want to be there. He really didn't want to run into certain people. And as if on cue, he heard her voice.

"Finn!?"

Meredith stood before him awkwardly. Her voice feigned surprise. She had rustled her hair a little giving it some more volume. A pale pink gloss on her lips.

"How are you doing?"

"Alright…really good actually. I'm expanding my practice. And you?"

"Really good too. Yeah…"

They both stared at the ground for a moment before Meredith spoke again, "Was there something you needed to talk to me about Finn? Because I…I'm with Derek now…"

He quickly cut her off, "No, no…I'm not here for that. I'm actually meeting someone else."

He had been meeting with Addison often in the past week. There were so many details about the operation and care that they often discussed them over coffee or dinner. They had talked about other things as well, never really serious things but easy topics which never made either of them uncomfortable. Never about what had happened within their love quadrangle.

Meredith's face fell a little, though she tried to cover it up by licking the gloss off her lips.

"But it's good to hear that you're happy with Derek."

He was always a gentleman.

"We are happy, for the most part. But every relationship has problems. I mean, things can't always be perfect. It'd be boring then."

It almost sounded like she was trying to convince herself.

"Finn…I'm so sorry I'm late!"

Addison emerged from around the corner. She wore jeans and button down shirt, tennis shoes on her feet. She saw surprise on his face that she wore anything but 3 inch designer heals.

She gave him a hug, holding him for a moment longer than friends would and placed a short kiss on his cheek. She noticed a small smile on his face at their contact.

She completely ignored Meredith as well.

"Is it ok if we take your car? I haven't gotten any of the things we need yet."

He seems a little confused but covers it up well.

"Sure, I was going to suggest me driving. I already have some stuff so I'm sure we'll manage."

She turns to Meredith, whose hair has lost all the volume she had teased into it moments ago. Her face lacking any expression.

"Hello Dr. Grey. How are you today?"

She snaps out of it, a little, "I'm good. I was just seeing if a patient's family was down here. I actually should get going…It was good seeing you Finn and have a nice evening Dr. Montgomery."

She turned and walked into a table knocking over some magazines and a pamphlet holder. She turns around sheepishly and quickly hustled off.

"You did quite a number on her," she says to him.

"Na-ah, that was all you. How long were you standing around the corner before you decided to join us?"

She laughed this time, "Fine, but I couldn't resist. I got Izzie to cover the patient for me but when I saw her there I just had to know what she was going to say…" she pauses hoping she hasn't offended him, "Sorry if the kiss was too much but I thought it'd add a nice touch with everything that had happened between you two."

"No, I enjoyed it…I mean, not it…I mean it was nice…" he stops to collect this thoughts and clears his throat, "It's alright, don't worry about it."

She feels her cheeks grow hot.

"You know, I remember Meredith telling me Seattle Grace had a very extensive gossip mill, you probably just started another rumor for the nursing staff."

"Its ok, thanks to Derek I am the rumor queen. I don't think there is a single thing that these people think I haven't done," she shakes her head trying to brush it off, "Now lets get going, I want my dog!"

He loops his hand in hers and they walk out and all she can think is whether that rumor would be really all that bad or not.

* * *

"Oh God, he is so perfect," Addison gushed as the tiny dog sniffed around the house. 

He was still bandaged but could move much better on his own now. And he was able to drink milk like other puppies and Finn had no doubt he'd grow into a strong and healthy dog.

"Yeah, a little love and this guy will have no worries."

He bent down and rubbed the dog's ears.

"Thanks again Finn. I just knew this was the dog for me so thank you for helping me with everything. The surgery, the recovery…just, thanks."

"No problem Addison. It's actually been nice talking to someone and doing something different. Expanding the clinic has taken up so much of my time."

"It's been nice having you help me too."

Both stared at each other for a moment, an awkward silence falling as both contemplated the other's company.

Even with Callie and Miranda, and even Mark she still felt lonely. Finn helped change that.

Addison broke it quickly, she hated awkward silences. They reminded her of elevator rides.

"How about we celebrate with a glass of wine?"

"Yeah, sure. I don't think I've relaxed with a glass of wine in ages."

She smiled, "Wine is your best friend. It knows all your sorrows and understands all your pains. And it helps dulls them away."

"Ah, yes. I believe I have used whiskey for that purpose."

"I guess wine is kind of a girly drink. To each his own."

She raised her glass and took a sip. The rich flavor swirling in his mouth. She feels sad tonight. She loves the dog but she can't help but think of the trailer and of Doc. And of Derek…

"I never got used to the taste of hard liquor. Though push come to shove I'll take whatever will get me drunk."

They both know what she's talking about.

This Addison, she was different. She was unsure and awkward at times.

This was something they didn't talk about. Maybe they should.

"You should know it gets better. It's hard at first because you spend all your time being this person. This _one_ person and suddenly you're expected to change that person. You should know that it gets easier. It takes a while but you learn to live and function and be that different person."

"Finn…" He said it so perfectly. How she felt at times, all the time.

He took a step forward, so there was little space between them and kissed her softly.

It's awkward but nice and he pulls away after a minute. His cheeks matching her hair.

"I have to go. I'll give you a call later about the dog." He's already set his wine glass down and is grabbing his keys. He's so flustered. He really didn't know where that came from. But it would be a lie to say he didn't enjoy it.

And Addison still stood at the kitchen counter, wine glass in hand.

"Yeah, I'll see you…"

She heard the front door shut.

She felt so different.

_Hold my head inside your hands  
I need someone who understands  
I need someone, someone who hears..._

* * *

Coldplay 

So you know that author, the one that can't stay in the same perspective? Yeah, that's sadly me but I hope Finn's POV isn't too off or too confusing. There won't be too much of other people's thoughts but I just wanted his vantage point to be heard.

So, did I jump too fast? I mean, he is helping her adopt a dog so they've gotten to know each other better. And she did kiss him at the hospital. It all just fits, kinda…well, hopefully!

Review and there will be more "AddInn" (for a while). And remember to play nice with cute Australian; he is new to our country and all ;).


	10. Where to Begin

Two Words--"Addison's Anatomy"  
(I won't hold my breath though)

_drift away  
__drift away with me_

* * *

"So, you been avoiding me?" 

She sat in the patient area in a hard plastic chair. She had been there for a while and the building was now empty. She had thought of leaving many times but Addison had never been afraid of anything and she wasn't about to start.

"Of course not. I've just had a lot on my mind," he cleared his throat, "How's your puppy?"

He took a seat next to her. His elbows resting on his thighs.

"Good. He's getting big and strong, just like you said. Callie loves him too so its working out really well."

"Pick out a name?"

"McCoy."

She smiled softly towards him.

"That's really cute. I like it."

Silence settles between them once again.

"Listen Finn. I understand if what happened the other night was a mistake. I just really want us to be friends."

Well, she'd settle for that.

He looked at her, deciding whether or not to take a risk.

"I liked it. I liked it more than I thought I could. And I think it scared me. And Meredith and Derek complicate this so much more."

She nodded. But then again when was it just two people in a relationship? There were always complications.

She turned her head towards him, her shoulders sagging slightly.

"I guess we have to decide whether the complications are worth it."

Even before he starts talking she knew there was more than Derek and Meredith between them.

"You need to know something else Addison. My wife, she died nine months, 22 days ago and I still don't know how I feel," he sighs, closing his eyes before looking at her again, "I started off so differently. I packed up her pictures, her clothes, her life and I put it away. I just pretended it didn't exist. And I met Meredith and I thought she was the answer. If I tried hard enough, made enough plans, I could just stop loving Liz."

His voice quivers, "I was wrong. She's still in my heart. In everything I do."

She sits beside him silently for a moment, taking his hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. She understands his feelings, his fears.

"My marriage fell apart 11 months, six days ago."

The day Derek found her with Mark was the end of her marriage. Like her wedding day she was always able to count forward from or look back to that day. That one day when it all came crashing down. Everything after was simply an imitation of what a marriage should be.

"My marriage ended but I'm still in love with Derek."

Saying the truth out loud hit her hard and she was thankful she was already sitting down.

She'd have lied to anyone about that fact but here, with Finn, she didn't feel so vulnerable. They both have secrets, closets full.

She leans on him gently. She's getting tired.

"So we're both in love with other people."

It was perfect in some twisted way.

"That doesn't mean we can't help each other heal."

Her voice is soft against his ear giving him slight goose bumps.

He doesn't see plans with Addison. Just someone to enjoy days with, to talk about his troubles with. Someone to be with at that time and it being enough.

He leaned forward kissing her softly.

She couldn't help but smile.

"I'm ready for something like that." He relaxed and sat back in the chair. Her hand still in his.

"This is going to be interesting." She's grinning ear to ear.

"It's only worth doing if its going to be interesting," he stands up and pulls her up with him, "Come on. I know a great Chinese place that's still open."

She opens up her umbrella and Finn huddles close to her as they step outside, "I love Chinese food."

They're still holding hands as they walk to his car.

_jump into the ocean  
__leavin' on a notion  
__if you're caught up in the motion  
__backtrack and do it again  
__and if you make it up  
__i could never get enough  
__me and you together_

* * *

Bowling for Soup 

So, they're gonna try. It's gonna be hard because they're both in love with other people. But things are going to be interesting and alot of issues that aren't addressed by Shonda are going to be addressed because no one goes from loving wife to loving girlfriend and being perfeclty happy with girlfriend. Not like what happens when real people end real relationships.  
And on a side note I'd love to see Mer...umm...go on to a better place and the show be called "Addison's Anatomy" because that would be so much more kick ass! Hehe...I'm done with my rant so remember to review, review, review, and then review some more.


	11. Life in Rain

we all need something uplifting after that hour of crap. enjoy...and know you all are the reason i am still breathing because Shonda makes me want to stick something sharp in my eye...

* * *

_we once had oceans left to fly,  
now the trees and the river have parted ways_

She wasn't falling into love. But it was falling into very strong like. With no expectations, she was never afraid of disappointing Finn. The fear of never being good enough was slowly disappearing from her mind.

Tonight they had made plans to see a movie but lounging around and listening to the rain outside had been too big a temptation to pass up.

Callie was working late and Addison had made smores and hot chocolate.

And being in her home, most importantly, Addison could wear pajamas. The funny ones with Disney characters because Finn thought they were cute and Derek had always laughed.

"So, I think I realized why this is so great."

"Because I'm so amazing?" She smiled and then placed a very large piece of chocolate in her mouth.

He grinned, "That helps but it's just something else."

"What…" she stops as Finn leans across kisses the side of her lips.

"Chocolate…" he murmurs.

She laughs loudly and nearly falls off the bed.

He grins. She glares.

She had forgotten how much she missed moments like these.

"Fine then…why is this working out so well?"

He shrugged his shoulders, "Because it's just meant to be."

He takes a piece of chocolate and bites off the edge.

She cocks an eyebrow. She knows that wasn't it.

"It hasn't stopped raining for like 4 months Addison but I don't care. I always hated Seattle because of the rain. We get snow in Indiana. Lots of snow and I loved it. But after Liz, I couldn't stand the snow. It reminded me of her so much. So I came to Seattle, where there was no snow, just rain. And I thought the rain would help," he shook his head, "But it didn't. It drove me insane. It was all I could hear, all I felt. But now, with you, I'm starting to not care about the rain. Something that can do that, it's just special."

She leans forward and kisses him. Everything he says just fits perfectly.

She likes that they're taking steps. Realizing that things from the past and present are related and that you can't move forward without acknowledging how it hurt you in the past.

She lies back on the bed. So many thoughts running through her mind.

"I miss the snow too. I loved going to Rockefeller Center and seeing the tree lit up. I know its so cliché and I grew up all my life in New York but it was my favorite part of winter. And I loved Central Park when it was covered in snow. We always took carriage rides around the park. It was everything I ever wanted."

It had been a Christmas tradition for her and Derek. A feeling of sadness tingles her toes. And she can't help but let the memories surface.

She sits up and looks at him, knowing he feels it too. This place was so foreign compared to the places they thought they would end up. But then again the places they left behind weren't perfect either.

"Do you miss New York a lot?"

She knows he's hinting at Derek.

She shrugs her shoulders, "Sometimes more than others. New York was my home for so long. But I know it wasn't perfect. There were things missing, especially towards the end."

She and Derek hadn't walked through Central Park for two winters before she slept with Mark. She always forgot that.

"This place is different from New York but I'm learning to love it."

He lies down and stares at the ceiling for a moment before speaking, "It takes some getting used to but eventually you do," he laughs softly to himself before continuing, "Lately, I've even found myself smiling at the sound of rain."

She lies down next to him, "I guess we have to realize there were good things and bad things about the places we left behind. And that it might take a while but we can come to love new things about a different place."

He rolls on to his side and stares down at her, "It just takes a while sometimes."

He kisses her softly and she knows that there are already a million things she's learning to love about Seattle.

* * *

"So, when are you going to tell me?" 

Addison stood in the kitchen stirring the pot of noodles, "Tell you what?"

"Don't you dare play dumb with me. There has been a man in this house many nights this past week."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

Callie gave her a look of disbelief.

"Am I going to have to turn to the hospital gossip mill Addison? Because really, I thought this was what friendship was about."

She turned towards Callie, "In all honesty I don't even know what it is."

"Is it serious?"

Addison looked back at the pot thinking for a moment, "Yeah. It's actually the best thing I've had in a long time."

The other woman sighed, "With everything that's happened I can totally understand if you don't want a lot of people knowing. But you can trust me. I'm new to this whole friendship thing but I know how to keep secrets."

"It really isn't a secret Callie. I'm pretty sure Meredith knows."

Callie looked amused, "Really, and you're not going to tell me?"

"Fine, fine, fine. You cracked me," Addison laughed.

Callie smiled and settled herself next to Addison, "Good. So who is he?"

"Finn…"

Callie's expression didn't change.

"Oh come on…Finn…McVet…"

And the look of enlightenment came upon Callie's face.

"You're dating McVet? I wasn't expecting that…though I think I did hear Nurse Debbie mention it like last week. I figured she was just blowing smoke."

"I know it seems really random but it just fit. It is exactly what I need right now. We've both been through a lot this past year and don't know how to pick up the pieces. That's what we're doing."

"So…kind of like, friends with benefits?"

Addison laughed at Callie's crude interpretation.

"No, nothing like that. I haven't even slept with him. It's just that," she pauses, trying to find words, "His wife died nine months ago. And my marriage to Derek ended two months ago. We both don't know where to go. We've known something for so long and now it's different. It's a leap, and he's just helping me make it. And I hope I'm helping him make it too…"

Callie remained quiet for a moment, "I think I understand."

"Good because I barely do."

She put the pot in the center of the table, "Now let's eat because I am starving. And Finn might be coming by soon."

Callie shook her head, and brought two plates to the table. She set them down and then placed her hand on Addison's, "More than anything else, it's really good to see you happy."

She was comforted by Callie's words. She hadn't even realized it herself that lately she had found herself smiling more. And every now and then she would look outside and realize how beautiful the rain really was.

_so when it comes down  
you'll know  
i'm with you  
how could I show you?_

* * *

Remy Zero. 

So I know I've said this a lot but I'm done with Grey's. When I waste an hour of my life and feel worse at the end than at the start, it's just not worth it anymore. I think we all know what line I'm talking about. My little Addek heart can't take it anymore. --sobs in corner-- 12 years damnit! 12 years!

And all this talk of an Addison spin off makes me even more upset...how will Addek happen then?!

Atleast I'll have the wonderful world of fanfiction...so remember to review because I really meant what I said up there!

/rant

and if anyone is curius, this is still addek...just give Addy some time to get back on her feet. Sorry for the long gap between updates. I really wish life could just be fanfiction.


	12. By My Side

I don't think I've ever done updates this close together but this chapter practically wrote itself because I've had it planned since day 1. It just got lost somewhere along the way.

Enjoy and remember to review!_

* * *

__I don't look back to spot where I fell  
Don't you look back, and don't you ever tell  
'Cause we know pride, it doesn't heal all that well  
All that well, all that well_

Addison awoke to the sound of her cell vibrating on the bed stand. She looked at the clock, 5:12. She leaned across the bed and answered, unsure of who would be calling that early.

"Hello?"

"Addy! I thought I'd get your voicemail. But I was calling because I just got off the phone with mom and…"

Addy grumbled, "Nance, do you have any idea what time it is?"

The other woman paused, "Eight."

She rolled onto her back, "No Nancy, I'm in Seattle…three hour time difference. Three hour. And I just got off an 18 hour shift."

Nancy remained quiet for a minute.

"I'm so sorry Addison. I still forget you're not in New York sometimes. I almost dialed your number at the hospital…good thing I didn't do that. That would've been awkward."

She couldn't help but laugh as Nancy rambled on. If that woman could do one thing it was talk.

"It's ok Nance. Was there a reason you were calling? You mentioned mom…is she alright?"

"Oh yeah. I was just talking to her and she said you haven't returned any of her calls."

Addison closed her eyes, "I just, I don't know if I can talk to her yet."

She trailed off. They were the only family she had, what if they didn't want her?

"Seriously Addy. We've had this talk before. Mom still loves you. Even after you not returning her calls. But then again she knows you can be just as stubborn as Derek."

Addison cleared her throat telling Nancy she was rambling again.

"Well, getting back to my point. I was talking to her and she said you haven't called her back about coming home for Christmas."

She sighed, "Nancy…you know my answer to that."

"Which is yes? Because otherwise that would make it three Christmases you haven't been here. The kids are wondering where their Aunt Addy is. And we all miss you. A lot. It feels incomplete without you"

The word registered with her. Incomplete.

"Oh Nance. I miss you guys too. But I just can't…I mean what about Derek?"

She could hear the slight annoyance in Nancy's tone as she continued, "Not that it should matter but Derek already said no. Apparently spending Christmas with his slutty intern is more important."

"I'd really prefer you not to call her 'slutty intern.' She is actually a very talented surgeon…"

Addison was cut off by Nancy again. If she didn't love her so much she may have minded.

"Intern or not, Derek is choosing to make this his fifth Christmas without us and that is his choice. You on the other hand have no choice. Mom will freak if you don't come. You know her blood pressure has been much too high for her own good lately…"

"Don't you dare guilt trip me Nancy. I do have a choice in this matter."

She heard Nancy grumble before talking again, "Fine, you do have a choice but we all really want to see you. And, I'm not supposed to tell anyone _but_ Karen is pregnant…again."

Addison gasped, "Really! I thought Tom had the little snip snip."

"That's what we all thought. She's going to make the announcement at Christmas about baby number six," Nancy paused, drawing out the suspense, "And Tom doesn't know. Do you really want to miss that?"

Addison sighed while shaking her head. What was she getting herself into?

"Not really. I can already see mom's face."

"Good. We're all getting in the Friday before Christmas. I expect you there no later than that."

"I'll be there. And I know if I don't show up you all will fly out here and kidnap me."

Nancy laughed, "I was about to threaten you with that but apparently you already know my MO," she paused, "It was good talking to you Add. Call me more often. I miss you."

"Me too. And I promise to call more. Tell mom I love her and I'll give her a call before Christmas."

"Ok, take care and you better have juicy dating stories to tell when you get here!"

Addison smiled but ignored that last comment, "Bye Nancy."

* * *

"So do you think he chickened out or the procedure didn't take?"

Addison laughed, "I think he chickened out. Considering half the family is doctors he isn't much for blood and gore."

Finn grinned, "Five kids. That's a lot."

"I know, but you should see Tom and Karen with them. They're so good with kids. If anyone can handle six, it's them."

A silence fell between the two. Each one unsure of where to go.

Finn began, "Can I ask you something. Something that might be too personal and if it is you don't have to answer?"

Though they sat in his bed, and she wore his pajamas there were some boundaries. Questions which may be too hard to answer.

She nodded. She wasn't afraid of being hurt with Finn.

"What's your family like? I mean, you said Derek's family is your family but what about your mom and dad?"

She closed her eyes. She hadn't thought about them in a while. Well, she hadn't allowed herself to think about them for a while.

"When me and Derek got engaged they kind of, sort of, cut ties. They came to the wedding and my dad walked me down the isle but that was it. I didn't talk to them much after that. Mom would give me a ceremonious call on Easter but she'd never ask anything real. Just pleasantries and then she'd go on with her life."

She traced circles on the bedding. Her voice cracking slightly.

"I'm sorry Addison. I shouldn't have asked."

She shook her head, "No, no, it's not that. Its just they were so right. I just couldn't see it. And now I can't do anything about it."

Her eyes fill with tears but she closes them before they can fall.

She and Derek had been so in love. So naïve. He swore he'd be all the family she'd ever need.

How had she believed him?

Finn wrapped his arms around her.

"We can't regret the decisions we made in the past because they make us who we are. We'd be incomplete without them. Regardless of how it ended, you were happy and happy for a long time. If your parents couldn't see that and accept it then that is no fault of yours. All we can do is live our lives Addison and hope that things end for the better. Sometimes they don't but sometimes they do. And those are the moments we have to live for."

She wipes her tears, "How did you get so wise Finn Dandridge?"

"I've been around the block a few times. I'd be a fool to not have learned a thing or two by now."

She smiles softly, "Thank you for asking Finn."

She felt different after talking about her parents. The failure of her marriage had been such a weight on her chest.

"Thank you for telling Addison. No one has a perfect life. Regret and fear are just a part of it," he sighs. She knows his life has had its ups and downs as well.

"I like that you're a part of my life."

She knows it's random but it felt right to say.

"And I like that you're in mine too."

She smiled and allowed herself to get closer to him. At that moment she didn't care how it would end because in that moment she was happy.

_I turn to see my faded tracks in the snow  
I've come so far with no idea where to go  
And if I never fear to be more alone, I do now  
I do now_

* * *

Copeland. 

I told you Nancy was coming back! And I know its like nearly March but what better time to write a Christmas chapter or two? I know, when I started this fic I really thought I'd have the Christmas chapter up by the holidays but I added other random things (like Australian men) along the way and now its like February 25th and I'm writing Christmas scenes. I can make one guarantee, Christmas will be very interesting at the Sheppard house this year--besides Karen dropping the bomb about baby #6.

So yeah, Grey's definetly off the Tivo. I liked Grey's because it seemed original. Now its just recyled garbage. If I wanted an afterlife sequence I would have tuned into One Life to Live. Best move this show could have made was pulling the plug on Mer and retitling the show "Addison's Anatomy" because is there really any comparison when it comes to anatomy? hehe, back to the point...ummm...Kate good, Shonda bad. And I totally agree that KW just has too much chemistry and thats why she might be written off. Damn those eyebrows.

And to anyone who may not like Finn all that much, he's here for a bit because he understands Addy. We all know Derek is too dense to figure things out by himself so Finn's here for him to realize just how far he has his head is up his ass. Addek will be together by the end. That I can promise anyone. I just hope you'll enjoy the ride till then.

once again-- /rant (this is so therapuetic)

Review and hopefully I'll have another update soon!


	13. Home for Christmas

Review make me happy. Happiness equals updates.

Enjoy.

* * *

_I'll be home for Christmas  
__You can count on me_

Addison sat at the table with her former sister in laws. Each one had a batch of cookies and was frosting it in their own way. Addison smiled; she had missed Christmases like these. Children running, the smell of ginger in the air, laughter.

The last few Christmases had been bleak to say the least. One with Derek when they sat around in silence. Neither exchanged gifts. The one with Mark she had refused to get out of bed. It just wasn't Christmas without Derek she wanted to scream.

She had spent Christmases before that with the Sheppard's. Derek had worked many of them but Addison always made sure to get the days before and after Christmas off. Only emergencies, like the birth of Derek's twin nieces, could get her to the hospital on those days.

She had been a little apprehensive at first; unsure of how everyone would treat her but she felt no different than before the divorce. She was still treated like a daughter and she was thankful for that.

"And so this guy comes in, high as a kite, and asks if we have any medicinal marijuana. I was beside myself with laughter. I mean, honestly, who comes into a hospital high and then asks for more drugs?"

Nancy continued her story. She had a way of telling the randomest stories and making them seem relevant.

"Addison, hand me that empty cookie tray."

Derek's mother pointed to a tray next to her. Though there were already six trays baked Addison knew they wouldn't last more than a night.

She brought the tray over and set it down but before she could return to her seat the woman wrapped her in a hug.

"We've missed you so much Addison. Christmas just hasn't been the same without you."

She smiled, "I don't know how I even thought of not coming. I've missed this all so much."

The door bell rang and Nancy's eldest daughter, Kimmy came yelling downstairs that she got it. Along with her was Nancy's younger daughter, Liz, who went everywhere Kimmy did.

Addison could hear the door open and shut and some mumbled conversation.

Seconds later Liz came running into the room, and was followed by Derek.

"Mommy guess what! Uncle Derek is here and he came with his slutty intern!"

Nancy turned beet red as Meredith came to stand in the door frame behind Derek. Her face becoming flushed as well.

"Sweetie, what did Mommy tell you about using words like those?"

"But you and Aunt Carol…"

Nancy quickly placed a hand over her daughter's mouth, "I told you words like those are a no-no. What Mommy and Aunt Carol talk about is grown up talk."

Nancy plastered a smile to her face, "Derek. What are you doing here?"

He glared at her before replying, "Last I checked I was _family_ and was allowed home on Christmas," he looked squarely at Addison, "What is she doing here?"

Nancy stood up and the other sisters seemed to gather around her, "Addison is family. That's why she's here."

Addison cringed and wished she could melt into the floor. Unfortunately she was still standing by Mother Sheppard who refused to let her move anywhere.

"That's enough," the elder woman put up her hands signaling to each of her children they were on a thin rope.

"Derek you are always welcomed in this home as is Addison. This is her home as much as it is yours. And I don't want to hear anymore on the subject," she replied before Derek could even mutter his opposition, "Not that it matters but you said you weren't coming so this has just taken us by surprise a little."

She rushed around the counter and hugged Derek and Addison could tell the woman was debating even acknowledging Meredith or not. In the end her good nature won out.

"And you must be Meredith," her smile slightly exaggerated, "I'm Georgia Sheppard. Derek's mother. We've heard so much about you. It's so good to finally meet you."

Behind her Karen and Carol made faces and whispered amongst themselves, "We haven't heard anything about her."

Meredith came up to stood next to Derek. Holding onto his upper arm for dear life. Addison knew she was preparing for the worst.

Nancy had told her horror stories of how Derek's past girlfriends had been treated. 'Run off' was the term Nancy had used. When she asked why she didn't get such treatment Nancy had simply shrugged her shoulders. You just fit, there was something about you that we knew was so right for Derek. So right for this family.

It was shortly after that Derek had proposed.

Addison was shaken from her reverie by Carol's voice.

"So Derek, aren't you going to introduce us?"

Carol still had the butter knife in her hand and Addison swore it almost looked like she was wielding it.

"Of course," Derek turned a little so he and Meredith could see everyone in the room. His stance around her somewhat protective, "That's Nancy. You met her in Seattle."

"Oh God don't remind me," Nancy muttered from her seat but gave a nice large smile to Meredith.

The other sisters laughed amongst themselves.

"And this is Carol, Cat, Karen. You can meet the kids later. Everyone, this is Meredith."

Each woman gave a half wave before returning to their conversation.

Finally, Karen acknowledged Meredith's presence again. Though Addison was quite sure Meredith wished just as much as she had to blend into the wallpaper.

"So Meredith, How old are you?"

"Karen!" Derek's mother shouted.

Karen shrugged her shoulders, "Hey, I was just wondering how old we all were when Meredith was graduated high school. I mean you must have been working on your residency Derek."

Derek glared at his sister. Addison was just glad his attention was off her.

Before anyone could reply Mother Sheppard intervened.

"We're short on space a little Derek. You're going to have to bunk with Chris and Meredith can share with Cat since Nick isn't going to be here till Christmas morning."

Derek looked disgruntle, "What about my room? That's more than enough room for me and Meredith."

Derek's mother looked upset, "You know the rules Derek. Besides Nancy and Addison are sleeping there. John is spending Christmas with his mother this year. Her health has been failing lately. Nancy's actually flying out Christmas morning so we can all rearrange then. Now why don't the two of you go freshen up and then we'll all have dinner together."

Addison noticed Derek's mother almost seemed nervous.

Derek and Meredith turned to walk out before Meredith turned around quickly, "It was nice meeting you all."

She gave an awkward smile though no one acknowledged it and pretended to be highly engrossed in the cookie frosting.

Addison almost felt bad but then again the woman had slept with her husband at the prom. Karma had odd ways of working.

* * *

Yeah, so Derek dropped in on Christmas. It was kind of expected. But next chapter is the sisters gossiping and Finn maybe brought up. And lots of Meredith bashing. I can't resist. I just know the family would hate her. Derek and Addison talk, or bicker. Like an old married couple. The sisters think it's so very cute and Meredith feels depressed and twisted. Though there will be no drowning in tubs. Damn, there goes my Emmy. 

Honest to God I don't know how anyone can take Shonda seriously anymore...

Sorry for the long break between updates. I'm in Florida without internet connection so it's been rough! Though it is like 80 degrees here and -20 back home so I can't complain too much.

Love the feedback; it's actually kind of creepy how well you all can read my mind! But you know what they say, great minds think alike and Addek was probably the best idea of the century.

But review and I will desperately try and steal internet again to post an update!


	14. Older Chests

_

* * *

And we always seem to need the help  
Of someone else  
To mend that shelf  
Too many books  
Read me your favorite line

* * *

_

Addison quietly shuffled down the stairs. Her bare feet making little noise on the wooden stairs. She knew she was late and more than half the cookies were probably gone.

"What took you so long Addison?"

Nancy smiled as she sat on one side of the long kitchen table. Around her were her sisters each in their pajamas and glass of milk in front of them.

"I haven't had a good nights sleep in ages so excuse me for resting. Babies come at all hours of the night you know."

She smiled and took a seat at the table. A glass of milk already in front of her.

"So what's the juicy gossip?"

Her eyes batted from side to side as she glanced at each sister for a moment.

No one spoke.

"Well, we were actually waiting for you on that gossip Addison," Carol gave a smirk before continuing, "How's the dating scene?"

Addison groaned but continued to smile, "Come off it. You know I'm not talking about any of that stuff."

She rolled her eyes as each of them made pleading faces to her, "No…I mean, what if mom wakes up?"

"You know once she sleeps like a log. And knowing all her children are under one roof means she is going to have an even better nights sleep. You've got nothing to worry about," Nancy reassured, "Now dish."

Addison sighed, "Well there is this one guy. He's completely different from everything I know. And the relationship is probably doomed from the start because we both have so much baggage but somehow it just feels right."

A collective awe was heard from the group of women.

"He makes you happy right Add?"

"Yeah, and I haven't felt that way in a long time. I honestly thought I'd never feel anything after Derek but it always hits you when you least expect it. Or the person you least expect. I mean, he's a vet for god sake."

Addison abruptly stopped as she heard a sound at the entrance of the kitchen. Meredith had dropped her glass.

"You are dating Finn!"

She wasn't sure if Meredith's voice was more upset or irritated. She fiddled with her hands for a moment taking in the awkward situation.

"That's none of your business," Karen said quickly after taking note of Addison's expression, "We're talking as a family here and it is none of your concern."

Meredith shuffled her feet and picked up the glass.

"I only needed some water anyways. I'm heading back up."

Addison glanced at Nancy and saw that grin on her face. The one that always spelled trouble.

"Karen. That was so harsh. You heard what mom said earlier," she turned towards Meredith and gave her a gentle smile. One that would surly rope her in.

"Why don't you join us Meredith?"

Meredith fumbled with the tap.

"I'm actually really tired. I had a long shift before we left for here…and…"she was cut off by Nancy again.

"We all work Meredith. But this is Christmas. Sit and relax."

She motioned to the empty chair.

Meredith still looked hesitant of putting herself into enemy territory.

"I'm sorry Meredith. I shouldn't have been so rude. I mean, Derek would like you to get to know his sisters. We're all a part of his life."

Addison could tell that last comment had done it for Meredith. This was Derek's family after all, offering themselves on a silver platter.

"Sure. But only for a little while."

The sisters smiled amongst themselves and Addison knew this was going to end badly.

"So Meredith, do you have any siblings?"

She glanced up nervously, "Well, I have three half siblings. But I don't see them very often. We're kind of estranged and I don't think they even know I exist."

Addison closed her eyes; Meredith had that habit of rambling when she was nervous. This was going to end _very_ badly.

"That's strange. I mean, if it weren't for the ladies sitting at this table I'd probably go insane. I can't imagine not wanting to get to know any family I have."

Nancy stated decidedly.

"It's complicated. My mother didn't…"

Meredith continued though Addison heard Nancy turn to Karen and whisper in her ear. "Teach me how not to sleep with married men…"

Karen laughed so loudly milk nearly came out of her nose.

Addison caught the look on Meredith's face and knew she had heard. This was brutal.

She really couldn't sit idly by. Change the subject…hopefully Meredith would keep her mouth shut.

"So Karen…How have you been feeling lately? Have you had a lot morning sickness?"

"Not really, I think I've learned nearly all the tricks of the trade."

Carol looked at Karen, "You better have by now. I'm pretty sure this child is going to pretty much walk right out of you."

By now the rest of the family had figured out Karen was pregnant. Georgia Sheppard had guessed it the instant Karen had walked in the door, even before her coat was off.

Tom nearly fainted when Georgia had announced it to the rest of the family.

"You're having a baby?" Meredith joined the conversation.

"Yup. Baby number 6."

Karen rubbed her belly gently.

Meredith looked shocked, "Really?"

"Yeah. Why do you look so surprised? Didn't Derek mention that I have five children?"

Meredith looked a little bewildered, "Not exactly. He mentioned that he had a lot of nieces and nephews but…"

Each sister gave disapproving looks to Meredith before starting their own conversation.

"Do you remember when Derek brought Addison to meet us all? She knew all the kids, and she had presents for them too. Jesus, they loved her."

Nancy smiled and squeezed Addison's hand. Addison blushed.

"Yeah. And Dad loved her the moment he saw her. I remember he took Derek aside and said if he didn't marry her he'd have to have his brain checked."

Addison looked up nervously at Meredith.

"You guys need to stop. That was a long time ago."

Karen turned towards her, "Its makes no difference. I mean you delivered my little girls Addison. And Nancy's C-section. And Dad's funeral. You kept us all together when we were falling apart."

There are tears running down her cheeks. Addison feels them prickling her eyes as well.

Karen laughs finally, "Damn these hormones."

There were a few moments of silence before Meredith broke it.

"I'm really not that bad. If you just give me a chance."

"Not that bad Meredith? How can you say that when you are the reason Derek hasn't been home in nearly two years," Nancy said with a straight face. Obviously Meredith had spoken at the wrong moment.

"Don't you find it strange that he never talks about his family to you Meredith? How many of us there are. Where we grew up. His father's death. Everything you know about Derek is superficial. He didn't even tell us he was bringing you home for Christmas. He knew what he was bringing you into and he didn't warn you or anything."

Now Meredith is near tears.

Addison opens her mouth to stop Nancy but Derek beats her to it.

People always had a habit of showing up when they shouldn't.

"Stop it Nancy."

He's trembling and so is Nancy.

"No. I won't. I'm you're big sister. I'm supposed to point out your mistakes. I stood by before but I can't now. This is just so damn wrong. I don't know how you can't see that. This is a mistake."

"But they are my mistakes to make."

Addison looked up to lock eyes with Meredith for a moment. Her expression clearly showing she had noticed Derek had not corrected Nancy for calling her a mistake. She turns her face but Addison notes the redness of her cheeks.

"It is my choice who I am with. You act like everything is my fault. Addison slept with my best friend. She stayed with my best friend after I left. She made the mistakes and no one says anything to her. I'm the guilty party. Everything I do is wrong."

He looks at Addison, "You did this. You ruined everything."

She glares at him. She knows he has no right to say those things.

"That is more than enough. I do not want to hear another word from any of you."

Georgia Sheppard stood at the entrance of the kitchen. The spot Derek had occupied moments ago.

She looked around the room at her children, a sad look on her face and Addison knew she was wondering how she had let her family find themselves in the current situation.

"Nancy, we all know how you feel about the choices Derek is making. Derek knows how we all feel about his choices but they are his to make. If he brings Meredith her to meet us all we should treat her in a way your father would be proud and I know if he could see us all right now he would feel anything but."

Derek has a smug look on his face though his smile quickly fades when his mother turned to him.

"And you do not get to smile like that. You do not get to blame Addison for what happened. You both made mistakes and I know Addison paid for them. You did not see her after you left," she shakes her head softly knowing he probably doesn't understand.

"You started to miss Christmases and Easters, Derek. And then you stopped calling and visiting. The only time I heard from you when was I talked to Addison. I felt like I had lost my son."

She moves to the table and sits down.

"And I was just your mother. I can't even imagine how Addison felt. You stopped being a good husband. I don't know how I didn't see it but after your father's death I've been forgetful of this family."

"I was a good husband," his voice is scratchy. He hates his mother for saying something like that, "I was providing everything she needed. Clothes, shoes, a house in the Hamptons, a townhouse in the city. Everything. I was trying to be the best because that's what everyone said I should be. That's what everyone wanted."

His mother looks up at him, "No baby. We just wanted you. Material things don't mean you're a good husband. Trust me, when I lay down at night and think of your father it isn't the income he provided I miss. It's him. Marriage is about companionship and you stopped being there."

Addison keeps her head down. There are tears falling swiftly down her cheeks. She doesn't have to look to know Derek is crying as well.

"Now what happened has happened. We can't go back and change it but we have to realize that we can't keep carrying this guilt. No one is to blame. If you don't realize that you'll never be happy again."

"I'm going back to Seattle. I can't stay here when it's like this," he looks around the room before speaking again, "Come on Meredith."

She hesitant to move but she gets up and follows Derek up the stairs.

His mother doesn't try to stop him. They all knew he was as stubborn as his father.

Nancy got up and sat at her mother's side.

"I'm sorry mom. I can't help it sometimes. You know I'm just like daddy."

The older woman smiled, "I know. I just want this family to be happy again. All together."

Addison got up and came to Georgia's other side, "We will be mom. Just give it time. Some wounds take longer than others to heal."

_Like time, there's always time  
On my mind  
So pass me by, I'll be fine  
Just give me time_

* * *

Damien Rice

I never felt like Shonda addressed the problems in Derek and Addison's marriage. It just ended in a split second (you literally missed it if you blinked). But now Derek has some guilt placed squarely on him, and by his mother, none the less, so it sticks. It wasn't just Addison who felt neglected, it was everyone.

I just hated the way Shonda did it, like Derek admitted he had made mistakes and then everything is Addison's fault again because in comes McSteamy with the steamy shower and all. It was hott but really made Addison look like a bad person again because she started her affair again.

Now we're at square one. Derek knows he made big mistakes. Is it too little too late? Does it even matter? Is he happy enough with Meredith? Maybe Addison is happy enough with Finn. Who knows? Well, I kind of do but just a little. And I promise a conversation will happen between Addy and Derek about Finn. Unfortunately, there won't be any really happy Addek moments in the next few chapters because they are still so far from happy Addek moments. Derek just realized how bad of a husband he became. We've got a lot of ground to cover but we're getting there.

Good news, I know how it ends. Well, I always knew it was Addek but I have the final scene in mind (is that crazy?). It's so cute and random and perfect. Hopefully. But that's the end. Right now I'm working on the middle.

And I'm watching Scrubs Thursday night, much less depressing and crazy. And pretty damn funny so I'm excited. Plus they can't possibly ruin everyone I like about the show in one episode (unlike Shonda) so I'm pretty sure I won't be left emotionally scarred for life after watching it.

Review and next time I'll cut the rant in half. Or maybe you're just reading for the rant and I'll make it extra long to get another review out of ya!


	15. After Her

Reviews are inspiration. Inspiration equals updates.

* * *

_winter's cold spring erases  
and the calm away by the storm is chasing  
everything good needs replacing  
hope all these changes happen with you_

Addison and Izzie walked out of the patient's room. She had enjoyed working with Karev, who suprisiningly had shown talent in the field, but she could easily see Izzie becoming one of the best. She'd never forgive herself if she was one of the reasons Izzie didn't make it.

"Good catch on that hypertension Stevens."

The blonde woman beamed, "Thanks Dr. Montgomery-Sheppard."

"I know Miranda still has you watching but I'm sure I could convince her to let you scrub on in the C-section later."

Her smile grew wider, "I'd really appreciate that. I haven't had any action in a long time."

Her face grew red and she fumbled with the patient's chart, "In the operating room," she laughed softly, "Well, not much in the bedroom either so I don't who I'm trying to fool."

Addison smiled, "Its ok. You shouldn't listen to anyone else. Just do what you think feels right," she paused, "Listen, Izzie, I just wanted to apologize for the quints. I know I never got to formally tell you how sorry I was and how horrible I felt for what I did."

Izzie's facial expression changed slightly, a hint of sadness present, "Its ok Dr. Montgomery-Sheppard. It was a lesson I had to learn. I guess I just decided to learn it the hard way."

Izzie handed the chart over to Addison and turned to leave but quickly turned back around.

"There was something I've been dieing to ask you Dr. Montgomery-Sheppard and I spent all morning debating whether I'd ask you or not and if I don't ask I'm just going to keep debating in my mind whether to ask you or not so I'm going to ask. If its way too personal I'd understand but its just one of those things you have to hear from the horse's mouth."

Addison arched an eyebrow, "Well, I can't guarantee I'll answer but you might as well ask."

Izzie hesitated again but finally blurted out the question, "Is it true you're dating Finn? I mean, it's really none of my business but Meredith came back from the Sheppard's saying you were dating him and that Derek's family hated her but I'm not surprised about that but I was kind of taken back my the whole Finn thing."

Addison looked down at the chart. She debated silently. She enjoyed spending time with Finn but hospital gossip could be brutal. But he did make her happy and that was all that mattered.

"Yes, Dr. Dandridge and I are kind of sort of seeing each other."

Izzie squealed, "That is so cute. I only met him a few times but he's a really nice guy. I mean I would have chosen him hands down," she looked up at Addison, "Not to offend or anything but with everything Derek's done I don't know how Meredith chose him."

She'd never thought of putting herself in Meredith's shoes. Who would she chose? Finn was the better man. There was no denying that.

She shook her head softly, "But he's the one for her. That's why she chose him."

Izzie rolled her eyes, "Please, I give them a couple of months."

She clapped her hands to her mouth, "Oh God. Don't tell Meredith I said that. She'll never forgive me."

Addison laughed, "Don't worry Stevens. I won't tell a soul but don't underestimate Derek and Meredith's relationship. They sacrificed a lot to be with each other. I don't think they'd give up so easily."

Izzie shrugged her shoulders, "All I know is he sleeps on the couch because she snores too loud."

Her hands were at her mouth again, "Please don't tell her I said that too. I'm actually going to go before I say or ask anything inappropriate again."

Addison just laughed as Izzie walked down the hall.

* * *

The end of the day had finally come. Addison was surprised she had made it, though the knowledge that Finn was making her dinner had helped. She entered the elevator and leaned on the wall in the back and closed her eyes. 

The floors dinged and people filtered out. She opened her eyes and took notice that it was just her and Meredith and a few more doctors. She hoped Meredith hadn't noticed her.

She had spent the rest of the day avoiding Derek and Meredith. By now she knew Derek probably knew about Finn and she did not want to hear some condescending remark from him. Confrontations with him were always so draining.

She wasn't sure how he was going to react to his mother's word either. Probably just ignore them; Derek did a good job of ignoring things that didn't fit with who he thought he was.

Meredith she had merely avoided to help save Meredith some embarrassment. She was sure the other woman probably wanted to forget the entire visit.

Of course the elevator emptied and it was just her and Meredith. An awkward silence filled the elevator and Addison knew an awkward conversation was sure to ensue.

Meredith pressed the emergency stop button.

"He didn't mean it," her voice was quiet, like a whisper.

"What?"

Addison sighed. Why couldn't they just accept the awkward silence?

"Derek, he didn't mean it."

She raised an eyebrow.

"When he said I was a mistake. He was just caught up in the moment. I'm not a mistake."

"I know that Meredith. I know he chose you and I'm happy with that."

Meredith gave her a doubtful look.

"Look Meredith. It shouldn't matter to you what I think Derek meant when he called you a mistake. I know the way Derek gets when he gets mad. He has this stupid tendency to say things he doesn't mean. Its just part of who Derek is, so don't worry whether I think you two are happy or not because I'm happy and that's really all I care about."

Addison released the emergency stop and the door opened a moment later and Meredith hustled out.

Addison leaned against the side. Nothing seemed better than going home to Finn at that moment.

* * *

"You look beat." 

Addison sighed and took a seat in his kitchen, "I am. It has been a long week. Derek and Meredith came home for Christmas. They didn't even stay the night though."

Finn laughed, "Let me guess. Nancy got to them?"

She shook her head, "Not just Nancy. She had all the Sheppard sisters against her."

He smiled, "Well, all I know is I'm glad to have you back here."

"And I'm glad to be back here too."

They kissed softly and Addison smiled.

"How was Indiana?"

She walked to the drawer and took out the placemats and began to set the small table.

"Good. I went sledding with the neighbor's kids everyday. They probably thought I was crazy."

Addison laughed, "Well, you kind of are so they weren't too far off."

He gave her a pout and then gently pressed her against the counter, "But you like 'em kind of crazy don't you?"

She replies with a kiss.

She never expected to feel this free with anyone ever again.

It was so simple with him. No worries or fears.

"Do you know what going home made me realize Finn?"

She's next to him as he stirs a pot on the stove.

He looks to her with a questioning face.

"This makes me happy. I always thought people were given one chance to be happy and you either were happy or you weren't. And I was so happy with Derek for such a long time I was afraid maybe I'd used up all my happiness."

She pauses and shrugs her shoulders, "That that was it. That was as happy as I was ever going to be. But here, with you, it makes me believe that I've got lots of happiness left to have."

He nods softly and turns towards her, "Going home made me miss Liz. It brought up a lot things I still need to deal with but knowing you were going to be here helped so much," he looked her in the eyes, "Someone to help heal the wounds."

He moves slightly and kisses her again. Harder and with more passion this time.

He pauses for a moment, whispering softly in her ear, "I look forward to coming home to you. To being with you. To you."

She kisses him, giving him reassurance and slowly unbuttons his shirt.

Derek said Meredith was a mistake but she knew Finn wasn't. Never in the heat of the moment would she say something like that. He felt too right and she knew he'd fit everywhere else.

He pulls her shirt off and she kisses his jaw line. The slight stubble feels good against her cheek.

"The potatoes are going to burn."

She undoes his belt, "I never liked potatoes much anyways."

He smirks, "Me neither."

_sun will shine no matter what I do  
sun shines bright now with you  
what a wonderful thing for you to do  
__moon shine bright reflection in your eyes  
a finer place he could not find_

* * *

Dave Matthews Band

I just love the old Izzie (which is what I hope I captured). Shonda's writing of her lately has been pitiful. Like Izzie was cute crazy and now she's just plain crazy. A stick of butter? What?! That doesn't even taste good!

Well, the writing of all characters has been far fetched lately but I think I've ranted more than enough on that one.

So Derek pretty much does have to get on his hands and knees to get Addison back but we'll get to that eventually. Right now Addison is happy with Finn. Yes, happy. That's a big step because things went so wrong with Derek that it was hard to imagine she'd ever be able to make it to a place where she can have a normal relationship. And normal ofcourse includes sex because sex with Mark was just an escape. Something to try and ease the pain. With Finn its much more.

There are a few more things Addison's got to work out. Things about herself and Derek she has to realize but I know mostly everything that's going to happen.

I watched Scrubs today. It was rerun of Grey's but I wasn't even tempted. I won't lie, it's still Tivoed but just in case there's an Addek moment hidden in some future episode (once again, knowing Shonda, I won't hold my breath).

Review and I'll update soon!

--I know that Dave Matthew's Band never really sang this song and that it was adapted into the song Satellite but I like the lyrics more than Satellite so I used this song instead of that one. Satellite is beautiful to listen to but just didn't fit as well.


	16. Lesson Learned

::grumble, grumble:: **writer's block** ::grumble grumble::

Review to help heal my pain.

* * *

_Now you act so surprised  
To hear what you already know  
And all you really had to do was ask  
I'd have told you straight away  
All those lies were truth  
And all that was false was fact_

She climbed out of the car and leaned in back in quickly giving Finn a kiss.

"Thanks for the ride," she grinned ear to ear.

"No problem. I'll pick you up later; just give me a call when your shift is over."

She nodded and shut the door, no worries on her mind.

Things seemed to finally be falling in to place, or at least a place that wasn't chaos all the time. She felt she had control of her life and of her emotions.

"So the rumor is true."

She turned to see Derek standing at the front lobby with a clear view of the hospital entrance.

His appearance slightly disheveled though he still managed to retain that Mcdreamy air.

She kept walking; she really didn't want to hear anything he had to say.

"What? I was just pointing out the obvious. Though I will admit, when the nurses said you were dating a vet I didn't believe it till I saw it"

She had stopped, trying to find the words to put him in his place.

"I could really care less what you believe or don't believe about me."

He gave snide grin, "That's fine, but I really thought you had some standards. This is even worse than Mark."

She glared at him, where did he come off?

"This coming from the man dating an intern. Finn is a good man, Derek. Just because you can't see it or you look down on him doesn't change anything about him."

He looked down and then back to her, "He can't make you happy. You know that."

"And you would know? You made my life a living hell Derek. I'm done with it."

She turned to walk away when he grabbed her arm.

He pulled her closer, his voice a low whisper, "We were happy together. I was a good husband. I…"

She cut him off, "Everything isn't about you Derek. You hurt me, over and over but I've finally learned to not care. I don't live my life according to you. I'm doing what makes me happy Derek, and that isn't you anymore."

His jaw stiffened and his grasp on her loosened.

It was hard to believe that even after this long he still felt so emotional when it came to her. That he could be angry with the way she led her life.

She turned to walk away before he could say something to bring her down.

"I want you to change your name. You don't get to keep Sheppard; you don't have the right anymore."

He walked past her and Addison remained where she was, his words twisting into her back.

* * *

She sat on the floor at the foot of the bed an open bottle of vodka next to her. It had been hours since her encounter with Derek but everything still swirled in her mind. 

He ruined everything. He always did.

Finn came in quietly and sat behind her, gently rubbing her back.

"You didn't call."

She didn't move. Her body remaining slightly stiff. She seemed a million miles away.

"I thought he couldn't hurt me anymore. I thought I was past it."

"You saw Derek."

She nodded slowly, still lost in her thoughts.

"What happened?"

She shrugged her shoulders, unsure of what her offense was.

"I told him I was happy. I didn't live my life according to him. He was so upset," she rubbed her arm where he had grabbed her unconsciously, "And…and he told me I had to change my name. I didn't deserve it anymore," she closed her eyes.

Finn pulled her back into his arms, still rubbing her shoulder softly. He needed her to know he was there.

"I liked being Addison Forbes-Montgomery. That name had been passed down for generations. I never wanted to change it. But then I met Derek and fell in love like a fool. And when he asked me to take his name I agreed. I was so naive. I always believed him…always."

She paused, laughing softly to herself.

"I changed everything I knew about myself to become Addison Montgomery-Sheppard. Addison Forbes-Montgomery went to high school, she was a band geek, she dated the football captain for a week and she went to the college of her dreams, she even graduated. But she didn't get a medical degree or a fellowship in Perinatology. She didn't have research publications in prenatal genetic disorders or cystic fibrosis. She isn't a world renowned surgeon. That was Addison Montgemry-Sheppeard. That other person simply doesn't exist anymore. No one knows her and if he takes this away, no one will know me," she pulled her knees closer; "I created a life being the person he wanted. And now he wants it back. Just like that. How do I do that?"

She rested her head in his lap and he remained quiet for a moment.

"He can't take it from you Addison. He was part of your life but he was not the only thing that made you Addison Montgomery-Sheppard. He can't take away anything you've done. He has no influence on the person you are now."

He pulled her on to the bed, holding her close.

"I told you it takes time to become this new person but you don't have to let go of everything that made you that other person. You just learn to shift and let things fall into place. And they will. Just give it time."

"I hate where I fall with Derek."

He pulled her closer into his arms.

"It'll change. One day he'll regret this pain he's caused you."

"It might be too late by then," she whispered softly.

He simply held her tighter, "It'll be better in the morning."

She closed her eyes though a single thought still in her mind, it really was never too late with Derek. Maybe that's what scared her the most.

_Was it you who told me once  
Now looking back it seems surreal  
That all our mistakes are merely grist for the mill  
So why is it now after I had my fill  
would you steal from me the sorrow that I've earned_

* * *

Ray Lamontagne 

So yeah, we hate Derek, or I hate Derek. Something along those lines. I'm still kind of unsure. I had like eight different versions of this chapter written and none of them felt right. Even this doesn't feel right but I'm done with it. This was filler for what I have planned next so review and I promise I will try and get it written faster!

The point of this chapter was how Derek got upset about Addison being happy. That's big. Bigger than big. It's like epiphany big.

And it has another tiff I have with Shonda. How did Addy go from Addison Montgomery-Sheppard to just Addison Montgomery over night? This is a struggle so many professional women face after divorce because they have built their careers as one person and then they have to change it all. You're entire reputation is based on your name and you just change it with no stress or drama? It seemed a little too easy for her to make the transition from married to divorced. Could've been a great story arc but instead we got George and Izzie sex (really though?!).

Blah, another reason I am done with Grey's—I haven't seen it in ages, just hear my roommate complain about how bad it's gotten. We all knew it was downhill after heaven.

Regardless, I plan on updating this fic more; I just had the semester from hell. Though it's almost over so review and I'll update before my next exam! (I live for procrastination).


	17. You Had Time

The fun is starting.

* * *

_I guess everything is timing  
I guess everything's been said  
So I am coming home with an empty head_

Addison smiled, "So chief, to what do I owe this honor?"

She sat in the chair in front of Richard's desk; he had called her in for a special meeting.

"Well, I was just felt like checking in on my favorite neonatologist."

She groaned, "You heard about me and Derek. Those nurses are fast."

Richard moved uncomfortably in his seat, "Well, I didn't want to mention it but yes. In all honesty I think it is ridiculous he said that to you. And I know if I got on the phone with Georgia she'd set him straight."

She smiled softly, "I talked to Georgia after the divorce, she said I could keep the name so I'm just trying to not let him affect me."

"I'll still have a talk with him. This all is getting out of hand."

She shook her head, "It's ok Richard. Me and Derek have to sort this out ourselves."

"Well, if he hassles you anymore, you tell me."

She smiled; she missed seeing Richard more often.

"Not that I'm going to complain because I do love it when you are all fatherly with me but is there a specific reason you had me come? I feel kind of bad taking up chief of medicine's time with my relationship problems."

Richard gave her a smile, "Well, I just wanted to make sure the new chief of medicine wasn't getting too much trouble from her ex-husband."

"Richard, I told you me and Derek just need…wait…you said new chief of medicine..and me. Is that what you said?" Her hands gripped the sides of the chair. All her emotion being conveyed through her eyebrows, "Richard, is that what you said?"

His smile grew as Addison squirmed before him. He knew she could use some good news.

"The board hasn't officially made the decision but I got a call earlier this week saying you were the person they were going to announce," he leaned forward, "I know things with Derek have been rough and that you've been thinking about leaving Seattle Grace…"

Addison went to open her mouth though Richard put his hand up to stop her.

"Don't ask me how I know but I know you were fielding offers so I just wanted to make sure you knew it was worth staying here. With or without Derek, you are going to run this hospital."

He stood up and walked around the table, "Congratulations Addison."

He held out his hand to shake though she enveloped him in a hug.

"Wow, Richard. I'm just so taken back. I assumed with my malpractice case earlier and I just…"

He placed his hands firmly on her shoulders, "You deserve this Addison. That's why I called you out to Seattle in the first place. Every chief knows who is going to take over his hospital, and I knew it was you the moment I got this job. You are one of the most skilled doctors in this hospital and you have shown amazing ability to have control under pressure. These past few months you have continued to show me strength even I didn't know you had. You are ready for this."

She wiped the tears that threatened to spill, "Thank you Richard. You have been more than a mentor to me through the years. You don't even know how much those words mean to me."

He gave her a warm smile, "Now don't go around telling anyone just yet. The board will probably announce in a week so I need you to keep this hush hush till then."

Addison nodded, "I can handle that. And thank you again Richard."

She left his office; Seattle seemed to finally feel like a place she belonged.

* * *

She sat in the deserted stairwell. With everything Richard had said earlier she had needed a moment alone to think and people at Seattle Grace always preferred the elevators. There were so many more gossip worthy moments that took place there than the stairwells. 

She was obviously staying in Seattle now. She had been shocked that Richard had known she was thinking about leaving Seattle. Things with Finn were going good but the constant gossip was hard to get over.

She would have loved a fresh start. The opportunity to be someone totally different. Maybe she'd even trade in her designer heals for tennis shoes and baggy sweatshirts. But she knew that wasn't really her look. No matter how long she tried to compete with it, she knew she could never be like that. It'd have been like wearing someone else's skin. She was Addison just the way she was, so maybe a move would have been wrong.

She held her breath as she heard the door down below open. She hoped they weren't coming up. There were always awkward questions to answer when you were sitting alone in a stairwell. And more gossip for the nurses of course.

"What is wrong with you?"

"What do you mean what's wrong with me. I'm fine."

She held her breath. It was Derek and Meredith. She contemplated leaving but she knew the opening of the heavy metal door would attract more attention than she needed.

"You are far from fine Derek. You haven't been home for nearly a week. You barely talk when you are over."

She heard him groan.

"I'm just having a bad week."

"A bad week or is this because you saw Addison and Finn? You're acting like she's never supposed to date anyone again."

"Why do you assume this is about her?"

"Because I'm not blind Derek. The entire hospital saw your argument the other day. It is clear you're upset because of her."

"Do we really have to talk about this here?"

"Yes we do Derek because I never see you outside this hospital anymore."

She sounded exasperated.

"I didn't think it would be this hard seeing her happy."

He sounded defeated.

"Seeing her happy? Derek she's allowed to be happy. You're happy for god's sake. How can you deny her that?"

A silence filled the stairwell.

"Oh God. You're not happy."

"Meredith…" he started.

"Don't touch me," her voice was sharp and hesitant.

"Meredith, it's not like that. Just listen. Please"

"To what? You basically implied you aren't happy. Is it me, something I did?"

"No, no…its not you. I'm just…" he sighed, "I'm just in a strange place. It'll pass. I promise it'll pass."

"What do I do? How do I fix this?"

She sounded like she was crying.

"Just give it time. Give me time."

She heard heavier footsteps first and the door opened and shut. She heard Meredith sniffle once again before the door reopened. Addison was alone again.

She didn't know what to do. She wished she'd never heard that conversation. She didn't want to know anything about Derek anymore. Especially when Derek and Meredith's conversation reminded her so much of Christmas last year.

She had believed him for so long that it would pass…it never did.

She gathered her things. It had been a long day and she was ready to get far away from the hospital once again. She couldn't leave forever but the rest of the day would have to do right then.

_And what did you decide?  
You said you needed time  
And you had time_

* * *

Ani Difranco 

It's the end and the beginning. I think that says it all. Expect Addek interaction soon.

I've been dieing to write this part of the story since the start. I just had to get Derek and Addison (separately) in the right places before I could start writing Addek again. We all know my stance on Shonda and her post-divorce writing of the couple so I had to take time. You know, be true to reality instead of letting a dead woman come back to life.

I didn't think it would take 16 chapters worth of time but somehow that's where we ended up. Or at least I did…for the most part.

Review and maybe I'll find my way (to another update).


	18. You Won't Be Mine

It had to happen. I promise it isn't for no reason...

* * *

_Take your head around the world  
See what you get_

She had gone away for a week. There was a conference in San Diego she had been debating attending. Overhearing Derek and Meredith's talk had pushed her into going.

Finn was visiting Indiana that weekend as well and she knew without him there she'd just ponder over what she had overheard.

She entered her house and felt a slight chill. She always had a knack for knowing when bad things were going to happen.

Though with Derek she hadn't seen the prom incident coming, but then again with Derek she could never really predict anything. He always blindsided her.

"Hey," she said tentatively to Finn who sat at the kitchen table.

She looked into his eyes for a second. Something bad had happened.

"Hey," he gave her a gentle smile, "Callie let me in. She figured you'd be here in a bit."

Addison simply nodded and got herself a cup of coffee. She took a seat next to him.

"So," she said simply.

"So…" he replied.

She took a deep breath.

"You should know something, Finn. When Derek found me and Mark, I knew before he even came in the house. I could just tell something bad was going to happen. And the night Derek's father passed away, I was at the hospital and this overwhelming feeling of dread came over me. Maybe its being around so much trauma but I just know when something bad is going to happen. I just know…"

He nods. Doctor's had that sixth sense. It's how they knew when to stop holding the paddles.

"So, you might as well tell me Finn…" she trailed off.

He looks at the ground first and then back at her.

He starts slowly, "Liz's dad has stage 3 lung cancer. It doesn't look good."

Addison closed her eyes, "Oh Finn. I'm so sorry."

She took his hand in hers, "We have an amazing cancer center at Seattle Grace. It's never too late."

He gave her a sad smile, "He's not looking into treatment. Turns out they've known since Christmas but didn't want me to worry. But now..."

This wasn't happening was all she could think. Somehow she formed words.

"What are you going to do?"

She already knew. Finn was too good of a man to do anything else.

"What I have to. Liz was an only child. I'm all they have. And Annie can't manage the farm alone," he took a breath reassuring himself, "I'm going to sell the practice and head back home."

She nodded her head slowly.

"When?"

She knows he's going soon. His family needed him.

"A week. I had an offer on the practice after we started dating. I thought about it but it just didn't feel right. I knew I was meant to stay in Seattle at that time, but now…" he shrugs his shoulders and she can tell this pains him, "I called him yesterday, he's still interested."

She squeezed his hand again reassuring him he was making the right choice.

He stared off in the distance unsure of what to say.

"I'd ask you to come but that's asking so much. Your life is here," he looked at her and smiled, "I read the paper today, congratulations on being named Chief."

Her lips curved slightly, "Yeah, Richard told me a few days ago. He wanted to make sure I knew Seattle was the place for me," she paused for a moment, "I was thinking of moving before that. Picking up and going somewhere else. But now…I just, I can't leave now."

She realizes she's crying. She was surprised it hurt this much.

She got up slowly and sat in his lap and they held each other silently.

"You have been everything I needed Addison. For a while I thought I'd never feel anything again. I'd just go through life doing all the motions but you showed me I still have my entire life to live. I still have so many things left to do. Thank you."

His voice was heavy and sad.

She didn't even know where to start. How did she thank the man who showed her Derek wasn't her entire life?

He helped her pick up the pieces of her life. And he did it while making sure her new life wasn't dependent on him as well. No man had ever done that.

"You don't have to thank me Finn. We found a way, together. And now we are strong enough to walk a path alone."

He pulled her closer, "There's something else out there for you, Addison. Someone who can love you with all his heart. It just wasn't meant to be me."

She understood. Even if she could go to Indiana, it wouldn't work. That was his world with Liz. He was going to care for her dieing father. There were things both of them still had to deal with before they could think of moving on.

"You were perfect Finn. And even if it couldn't last, it was perfect for the time it did."

She was a different person now. She was stronger. But she knew she wasn't ready. There were so many things left unresolved. She didn't really have a choice, though, that's just the way life worked.

She rested her head on his shoulder.

Derek wasn't happy. And with Finn leaving, Addison came to realize, neither was she.

_Over the lies, you'll be strong  
You'll be rich in love and you will carry on  
But no - oh no  
No you won't be mine

* * *

_

Matchbox 20

So, Finn doesn't have his heartbroken again. And really, he didn't break Addison's heart; he just had to do what the ultimate good guy would do because we all know, Finn is the ultimate good guy.

Next chapter Derek and Addison talk, or argue or something along those lines. And yes, Derek will basically be on his knees before Addison will even think about forgiving him but its Derek and Addison. It is just meant to be…Eventually.

And I didn't watch the spin off. I l-o-v-e Kate Walsh but I know Shonda will manage to f-it up so I'm not even going to get involved because I'll just end up dependent on it until she ruins it and then I'll go insane trying to find something else to do with my time instead of thinking about all the ways Shonda has ruined everything that ever made me happy. Perhaps a little melodramatic but better safe than sorry. Plus Grey's makes me sick now so I cant' imagine what will happen to Addison in this new city.

Plus if Addison is in freaking L.A. how will I get my Addek goodness and stolen glances? AND if she can't have babies, how will we have little Addek babies running around wreaking havoc on Grey's?

At least there is fanfiction.

Review and I'll work extra hard on writing the angsty but romantic Addek interaction I have planned for the next chapter!


	19. The Way Things Are

Sorry it took so long. Things got hectic but I promise I won't let anything get in the way again because there is nothing more important than fanfiction. That's right. I said it and I mean it.

So after 18 chapters I realized I never put in a disclaimer. If it isn't obvious, I don't own 'em. Never will. If I did a few things would be different to say the least. coughMeredithCliffcough. This applies to all previous chapters and all future ones too.

_

* * *

_

_So don't even ask me__  
__I'm much better off, the way things are_  
_Much much better off, better by far_

She sat at Joe's, a drink in hand. Finn was gone. He packed up his life in five days and said good bye. He didn't mention coming back. He really couldn't, she knew that.

She took a sip of her drink, not paying attention to her surroundings. Tomorrow she'd be fine. But tonight she needed time to mourn her failed relationship.

"So, I guess me and Finn have more in common than I thought. Clear across the country," he shook his head, laughing in a drunken manor.

She hadn't even noticed him taking a seat next to her. He had spent the majority of the night sitting in the corner. She knew it was too much to ask that he left the distance between them.

She hated him for starting this. All she wanted to do was drink. Couldn't he let her do that?

"Yeah, well at least Finn was man enough to tell me Derek. He didn't disappear in the dead of the night like a coward."

She knew it was harsh but she refused to be the victim in this game of his. She wouldn't let him punish her for their mistakes anymore.

His expression changed, "And what was I supposed to do? Stay and talk about how you had sex with my best friend in our bed?"

She glared at him for a moment. It always came back to that.

"You weren't supposed to leave. You weren't supposed to move across the country. You weren't supposed to start an affair with a woman you barely knew. Is that enough or should I go on?"

Her voice was flat and calm.

He remained quiet for a moment. She could tell he wasn't prepared for her response.

"Well its better than bouncing around from man to man. Who's next Addison?"

She groaned, frustrated with him again, "Does it matter if I sleep with half the hospital, Derek? Or if I find myself another vet? I tried with you and it didn't work. I believed for a long time but now I'm done believing and I'm moving forward. We're both different people now."

She remembered the hospital being a buzz last year. Derek had called Meredith a whore. Her head began to hurt slightly.

She quickly finished her drink and got up to leave before she could fully connect the dots.

Derek grabbed her wrist.

"I'm not a different person."

His voice was unsure and filled with hesitation.

"Yes you are. Just because you don't see it doesn't mean the rest of the world doesn't," she shook her head and pulled her hand out of his grasp, "I really don't care Derek. Please, just leave me alone. For all that it matters I'm not happy anymore so just leave me alone."

She walked to the back of the bar and turned the corner into the hallway with the pay phone. She had picked up the receiver to call a cab when Derek took her hands and pinned her softly against the wall.

She could have fought him had she wanted but she had missed the scent of him being that close.

And no one was close enough to remind her of this in the morning.

"I'm not happy without you. I don't want to be this different person anymore."

She hadn't heard his voice that sad in a long time. Like he had lost something important.

He leaned forward and kissed her softly at first and when she didn't object he deepened the kiss.

He let go of her hands and let them feel the softness of her skin once again.

She would have stopped him but in that moment there was nothing else she wanted. Fueled by the alcohol and the emptiness of the hall she allowed herself to become part of Derek's game once again.

Slowly though she came to her senses and pulled away.

Her voice a whisper at his ear, "It's too late. We've already changed."

She took a step back, and closed her eyes, she already missed his taste.

"It's never too late."

His voice more sure now.

"I'm sorry Derek." She avoided his eyes and walked away quickly.

She left the bar and took a shaky breath of the cool air.

She couldn't handle it then. She'd wake up tomorrow and know what to do but right then she knew if she hadn't walked away, she'd be taken in by hope that there might still be a chance.

Derek always managed to get more chances than he deserved…

_I wouldn't know what to do with another chance  
If you gave it to me  
I couldn't take the embrace of a real romance  
It'd race right through me_

* * *

Fiona Apple.

So it happened. He misses her, he basically implies he wants her, and then he kisses her. And Addison lets him, maybe because she misses Finn or maybe because deep down she knows she'll never be able to say no to Derek. Next chapter we'll get a real Addek conversation, not drunk, hide in the corner Addek. Well, maybe kinda hide in the corner Addek but it will be a sober conversation so we'll finally get to see why Derek has been such an ass. And don't worry, our girl knows better than to forgive too easily. I've got hoops. Lots of em.

Sorry for the delay, I had writers block again with this chapter. I had planned it a looonnngg time ago but somehow it got mixed up in my mind and I still wasn't able to get it quite how I wanted. Still, they kiss and that was the most important thing because it opens up a whole shoebox of opportunities.

I didn't watch the Grey's finale. I did get a rehash of it from random TV sources. The only thing I'm upset with is that I missed Christina's breakdown. Sandra Oh is an amazing actress and I'm sure it was a great scene. Maybe I'll get around to watching the Tivo of it sometime. The only other thing of minor importance (because I won't even acknowledge Izzie and George) is Meredith dumping Derek. Really no big surprise. It's just setting up for next season when Derek is miserable and realizes just how much he needs her and promises he won't waste his third chance. Until she does something unforgivable and he breaks up with her for a few months. Oh the famed and overused Ross/Rachel (or Carrie/Big for the S&tC fans) cycle. Thank you creative genius Shonda. To be honest, without Addison there I could really care less what happens in their lives.

At least Tim Daly is hot. Though my heart will always be Addek.

Review and I'll figure out a clever way to get rid of Derek's pesky girlfriend!


	20. Nothin' Is For Sure

I still love this story and I still love Addek (one day Shonda will realize just how perfect they are too) but I have had the busiest 6 months of my life. I know it's no excuse but between trying to raise my GPA, taking the MCAT and applying to Med School, I've been swamped. I promise I will finish this story and I promise it won't be in 3 years. Just review to remind me ya'll still care!

Thank you for sticking it out with me. Every review I received for the last chapter played a part in motivating me to post this sooner than later!

* * *

_spin me the other way  
i've got to learn not to say always  
spin me the other way  
people on the other half  
they got no worries_

Addison closed her eyes and relaxed in the empty OR viewing room. It was rare to find an empty gallery and she was going to enjoy it to the fullest.

It felt so long since she had stepped back and taken a breath. Observed everything from a distance and the emptiness of the OR below and the gallery around her finally allowed that.

Her eyes closed and she imaged a perfect life. Quiet and sadness filled her. What she saw may never pass.

She wanted to be happy but it seemed so hard. Was it simply too much to ask for?

"I knew I'd find you here," Derek's voice filled the room and Addison tried hard not to groan.

"Go away," she grumbled back a response.

"I've been looking for you."

"Well pretend like you never found me…"

She closed her eyes again and tried to center herself.

"This was the first place I looked."

"I don't care Derek. You think you know me…You think I'm the same but I'm not. I've changed more than you can imagine."

He shook his head, "There are things about you can't change."

"Why were you looking for me? Just pretend last night didn't happen. I won't ever tell Meredith and you two can keep doing whatever you're doing."

"I meant what I said last night. I don't like the person I've become."

"I had nothing to do with that Derek. I think we've both changed too much to go back to being the people we were."

He sat next to her and took her hands in his. Her muscles tensed slightly as his cold hands stole her warmth. He looked so tired.

"You were the best thing to ever happen to me. I don't know how I let you go."

He made it seem so easy. Like they could close their eyes and fall back into the way it was.

Sometimes she believed they could. But only late at night when she couldn't sleep. Only without the lights on because that's where she kept her secrets.

"You're with Meredith. You are happy with Meredith. Leave me out of this."

She got up to leave. She'd never find rest now.

He grabbed her wrist and turned her to face him.

"I'm not happy with her. I haven't been in a long time. You know that."

He closed the gap between them as she took a shaky breathe. She knew this was wrong but somehow her feet didn't get the signal to move.

His lips met hers softly. It was the second kissed they had shared in less than 24 hours and it felt just as right as the first.

The only thing that scared her was the tears.

She took a step away from him.

"No Derek. I'm not playing this game. You hurt me too bad to ever expect me to care about you that way again. It took me too long to put back together what you broke."

"Addison," he said her name full of passion and emotion causing her to inhale sharply. It always left her breathless.

He pulled her towards him. His hands cradling her slightly. It was so easy to relax in his arms.

"I didn't mean it. I got so caught up…I…" his voice trailed off as she pulled herself out of his embrace, "Addison, please."

She took a step back, her hands placed protectively around herself. She shook her head defiantly. She wasn't going to be taken in.

"No, Derek. You didn't get caught up. You knew what you were doing and you knew how much it hurt me. I had no peace. Not only did you rub your affair in my face you made sure I wasn't ever happy."

He took a step forward and she stepped back again.

"I was a wreck. I put everything I am into our marriage and when it fell apart and I was left with no where to go. I loved you with everything Derek. I destroyed myself in loving you."

The tears ran freely down her cheeks. Derek extended his hand to wipe them and she took another step away.

"Don't touch me," her body shook slightly. Her breathing becoming erratic.

"You moved on so easily Derek but I was left with trying to figure out who I was without you. It felt like nothing for so long but I know better now. My life is more than you and I will never risk losing it to be with you again."

Derek's body was tense. His face full of emotions Addison couldn't read.

"You don't mean that Addison. I know we could make it work. I know you still love me."

She sighed, "It makes no difference whether I love you or not. It took too much of me. You take too much out of me," she shook her head slowly and looked him in his eyes, "When I need you Derek, I need you more than I need anything else. I can't do it again. We can't ever go back."

She had found herself against the wall. She was nearly sobbing now. He always got her.

"Please just leave Derek. Just leave me alone."

She heard the door open and close and Derek's footsteps echoed down the hall. She wiped her tears and tried to calm herself.

It was so hard to stop loving Derek.

* * *

Addison looked at her alarm clock as her doorbell rang repeatedly. She had no idea who would be showing up at her doorstep at 3 AM.

She got up hesitantly and put on her robe and made her way downstairs.

She opened the door to find a drenched Derek. His head hung low and his shoulders slumped.

"Derek…what are you doing here?"

She shut her robe tighter and pulled him in by the arm. A chill still present in the late winter air.

He smelled of liquor and his eyes bloodshot.

"Derek?" She asked again. He seemed unresponsive.

"Why are you here?"

He looked up, confusion written across his face.

"I don't know. God Addison. You don't even know."

He staggered slightly and wiped his eyes.

She hadn't seen him this bad in years. She may have never seen him like this. He looked so broken.

"I think you should go home. Meredith's probably worried."

He looked at her. His eyes piercing.

"Me and Meredith are over. I broke up with her."

"Derek…" She trailed off, unsure of what it all meant.

"I need to talk to you Addison. You need to know. You have to listen, please just listen."

He staggered again and she balanced him by grasping his shoulders.

She thought of turning him away at that moment. She was sure he had a story. A reason now that would justify his actions, like always.

She thought of a clean break but this was Derek. There was no such thing.

"You're going to catch a cold. I have some of your old clothes I accidentally packed up when I moved out. You can change into them, explain, and then leave."

She ignored the fact that she had taken them intentionally. They were his old college sweats. They still smelled like their first year in med school. When love was all they needed.

She took him to the guest bedroom and put the clothes on the bed and left.

She went downstairs and made two cups of coffee and tried to ignore the million of reasons running through her mind about why Derek had shown up.

She'd ask a few questions and then call a cab. It would be as easy as that.

She knocked gently and walked in when she didn't get a response. The light was off, she assumed because it hurt his eyes and the moon was all that lit up the room. Derek sat on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands.

She suddenly felt a sadness she couldn't explain.

He looked up at her. His eyes shining even in the dim light.

She entered the room and placed the coffees on the dressing table. She leaned against it and looked at Derek.

"You know you're wrong Addison. I didn't know how to move on. I tried so hard with Meredith. I did everything I was supposed. I did everything but nothing worked. Every moment I thought of you and God I was so fucking angry I just…"

He paused, taking deep breaths.

She stood frozen at her place, unsure of what to say.

"I wanted to hurt you because I didn't know what to do. Those months in Seattle before you came I thought about you everyday. I thought one more day and I'll be able to move on. Just one more and I'll feel something for someone else but it never happened and you came back. And you came here but we weren't happy. I wasn't trying. I was afraid Addison. So scared things would end like New York. I slept with Meredith at prom and I thought I'd finally be happy."

His eyes looked up at hers again. His shoulders still hunched. His posture so defeated.

"When you told me you stayed with Mark I thought you had been able to move on. I wondered how you could love someone so quickly when I had to wake up everyday and tell myself tomorrow was the day I'd stop loving you. Everyday."

He stood up and moved across the room. She remained still.

He stood in front of her. Their body's inches apart and she took an unsteady breath.

"I was a selfish man Addison. I hated that someone else could make you happy, so I tried to hate you. I hated the power you still had over me. I hated that seeing you with another man made my blood boil. I did everything to destroy it. To make you as miserable as I was. Today I realized you were just as miserable as me. I was so blind to your pain Addison. I'm sorry."

She sobbed and Derek's arms wrapped around her.

He breathed her in. It had been so long since he had held her.

"We can't," she choked.

"We can't not. That's the problem Addison."

His warm lips met hers and she melted into him. He still felt so right.

She pulled away slightly, "This isn't the liquor…"

He shook his head, "No, its you…"

He pulled her onto the bed and kissed her harder. His hands fumbled with her robe and untied it quickly.

She threw her doubts out the window. It was all too easy to believe Derek than fight him at that moment.

_staring at the ceiling  
i can see to heaven  
but only when i'm willing  
so i pray for the strength to begin again_

* * *

Grant-Lee Phillips

It's Addek in all its glory! So Derek is done with Meredith. He admits he was selfish and all in all an ass. But where do they go from here? I have some ideas, I mean it really couldn't be THAT easy to put Addy and Derek back together (or even Shonda would have figured it out).

And I apologize for the loooonnnnggg break between updates. I have the next chapter half written and plan on posting it in the next week (hopefully you guys can give me some reviews to let me know people are still reading). Thank you for sticking it out and letting me know I still have reason to finish this story!

Thanks for reading and please remember to review.


	21. Ache for You

Sorry for the wait again. I have fanfiction OCD so it gets difficult to post when I plan to. I promise I'm working on it!

Thanks for reading and remember to review.

* * *

_and its alright if  
you're undecided  
or if you're scared  
that you might like it  
or if its true  
i ache for you_

She rolled over to collide with a warm body. She opened one eye hesitantly. It couldn't have happened. She had to have imagined the whole thing. There was no way she slept with Derek.

But there he was, sleeping peacefully.

She groaned pushing herself up and nudging him in the ribs.

"You have to go Derek."

He muffled a moan and rolled over asking for a few more minutes.

She sat up and put her robe on still trying to convince herself it was a dream.

"Derek. You need to leave. Now."

He rose up a little, clearly suffering from a hangover.

"Addy, I don't have surgery for hours and I know your schedule is free. Let's just stay here for now."

She gave a high pitched laugh, "You're joking right. Callie will be home soon. I do not plan on explaining why my ex-husband is at my house at 7 in the morning."

"Why does it matter?"

"Because I spent the last six months promising myself I wouldn't be in this position again but here I am."

She threw up her hands in frustration.

Derek sat at the edge of the bed his expression confused.

"Why are you upset? We both made mistakes but we're past them now."

She looked at him in disbelief.

"Past them? Derek we are nowhere near past them."

"But last night…" he trailed off after meeting her gaze which was stern.

"Derek we jumped into things way too fast last night. I am nowhere near ready to have the entire hospital know I slept with you."

He looked at her, his face displaying bewilderment.

"I don't understand why you are making such a big deal about this. We were married; we've slept with each other before."

She sighed, could he really be that dense?

"We can't just pick up where we left off. We're not married; we're not even friends at this point. All you've done is put me through hell since you left New York. You can't expect it to be as simple as having sex."

He remained on the bed trying to piece together what she said.

"We're more than friends Addison. We were married for God's sake."

"That doesn't change anything. We haven't had a real conversation in months. We've barely said two words to each other and we work in the same hospital."

His eyes find hers but she quickly looks away

"I was mad at you. Mad at myself. I told you last night."

She sat on the bed. Near him but a distance growing between them.

"It's more than that Derek. There's so much more than that. We're different now."

Derek got up in a rush, grabbing his clothes. His expression carried anger.

"So basically you're saying you don't want this."

She was unsure how to respond. She wanted it with all her heart but she couldn't be foolish again.

He didn't understand her hesitation.

"I don't know what I want. I just, I just..."

She trailed off. It was too late. He was already out of the room and a few moments later she heard the front door shut.

* * *

Derek stood at the nurse's desk, his bad mood clear to everyone at the hospital, though they all just attributed it to his recent break up with Meredith. 

He looked up to find Mark staring at him from across the desk.

"Hmm…Something's off about you. And not that pissy attitude you have. Something else."

Derek chose to ignore him and keep scribbling notes.

"What man? I've known you for like 40 years, I've come to be a master of Derek's moods, no matter how petty they are."

"My moods are not petty."

Mark paused, "Oh my god, you had sex."

Derek's face turned pink instantly, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Yeah, you did. Now who could it be?" He rubbed his chin, "Well, Meredith is still acting all mopey about your break up so you clearly didn't have 'lets get back together', 'I don't know where we stand', or 'I'm so confused about life' sex with her."

Derek kept his eyes down.

"Holly shit, you had sex with Addison," Mark sat down finding his feet unable to support him suddenly, "I did not expect that…"

"I did not have sex with Addison."

"You can lie all you want but I know," he shook his head, "I just can't believe she slept with you."

Derek glared, "Why? Why is it so unbelievable that Addison would sleep with me?"

"You really can't be that dumb," Mark responded shortly.

Derek simply continued to glare.

"Well, for starters the only time you have acknowledged Addison's existence in the past six months was to insult her. And then you made sure to rub your affair and relationship with Meredith in her face every chance you got. You told her you fell in love with another woman on Christmas. Yes, Christmas Derek. That holiday she loved. And ofcourse you slept with Meredith at prom to make sure the entire hospital would know what little respect you had for her."

Mark paused, "Should I stop here or continue?"

"Fine, I've been an ass but she made mistakes too."

Mark nodded slowly, "Yeah she did but she's not the one who made your life hell. She tried with everything in her to be what you wanted but you didn't want to see then."

Derek closed his eyes, "Is it too late?"

Mark shrugged, "I don't know. She got pretty serious with the vet but then again you're Derek. You always get more than you deserve."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Mark smiled and shrugged again, "What it means is don't play her. She's been jerked around enough by you."

Derek remained quiet taking in Mark's words.

"If she'll give you another chance, take it and do everything you can to hold on to her. She's something extra ordinary and if you can't see that leave her. Let her be with someone who knows what she's worth."

Mark gathered his things and left hoping Derek understood what he meant.

* * *

He grabbed her by the arm and pulled her into an empty patient room. 

"What do you want Derek?"

She was short with him. She didn't really have the time for this and every conversation they had seemed to go nowhere.

He pulled out a photograph. It was worn with corners bent.

"Do you remember when this was taken?"

She looked down at it. They were sitting at banquet table, Addison in a green cocktail dress and Derek in a tux. They were laughing with champagne glasses in their hands and completely unaware the photo was being taken.

"Your mother and father's 30th anniversary dinner."

He nodded, "And do you remember what I said in my toast to them?"

"Derek…why are you bringing that up? It has nothing to do with us now."

He glanced down at the photograph and at her once again, "Do you remember?"

This time she nodded, "You hoped we'd make it to 30 years as happy as them."

He looked at her, a slight smile on his face.

"I still want that. More than anything."

"It's not that easy."

He leaned against the door frame. His hands in his pockets.

"I know it isn't Addison. I keep making the same mistakes. I don't know why. You have this effect on me," he sighed, "I know it can't be easy. I know I hurt you more than I can possible even imagine but I will do anything to have you back."

She was quiet for a moment. Hesitant of what he meant by that.

"If you want slow, I'll do slow. And if you want space, I'll take a step back. If you want time, I'll wait. I just need to know that you want this. That I haven't fucked things up too much to set them straight."

She took a deep breath, shaking slightly.

"I want this Derek. But you need to know that we can't go back to the way things were. We both did things we can't ignore. We can't just pretend didn't happen. I'm different. You're different. We bear no resemblance to the people in that photograph. They had trust. They knew they could rely on one another. I can't trust you right now. I can't rely on you right now."

He nodded; saddened by the fact she had been so blunt about his indiscretions.

"But if you want to try Addison. I'm in it one hundred percent."

She smiled, "I want to try. But I want to try slow."

He breathed a sigh of relief, "I can do that. If it means I get you, I'll do anything."

_there's no rhyme  
and there's no reason  
you're the secret in the back of my skull  
there's no logic  
so please believe me  
our love's confusing  
but it never gets dull_

* * *

Ben Lee

I had this chapter written but I felt Derek needed another wake up call about Addison (we always knew it would take him a little while to pick up on things) so I wrote in the scene with Mark. I hope writing from someone other than Addison's perspective fit into the story.

Remember to review. I hear it's a cure for fanfiction OCD…


	22. Under the Inluence

I'm horrible...I know but seriously it is very hard to write when your inspiration is gone (damn Shonda). I've been watching tons of Addek youtube videos lately and its finally put me in the mood to write again.

It's the home-stretch of this story so I really pray that you guys will bear with me while I tie up all the loose ends in to a neat little package. I promise I will not leave it unfinished.

Enjoy and please try to review (it helps motivate me toooo)

* * *

_I was sure, I was born and raised to be my own man  
I was so sure; I was never going to need a helping hand  
And she said, trust in your heart and there's no need to understand  
Well just when I thought I had it planned out_

"We need rules."

Derek looked up, "Rules?"

Addison nodded as she grabbed another slice of pizza, "Yes, rules. There are just so many details we need to be careful of."

Derek shrugged, "You're the boss."

"I like the attitude."

Derek smiled, "You were always the boss of me."

Addison laughed, "Mark was the boss of you. You did whatever he did. It was kinda sad actually."

"Okay. Okay, I'll admit it. I may have taken direction from Mark a little more than I probably should have. But you do know it was under his orders that I asked you out."

She took a bite of the crust and pulled her knees towards herself, "Yes I believe I recall Mark saying you were too intimidated to even look at me never mind ask me out."

Derek stared at her a moment, the lightness of his tone disappearing, "I had reason to Addison. You were amazing. You still are."

She shivered slightly. It had been so long since he had talked to her that way. Not forced or excessive. Just Derek. She had missed it more than she realized.

He smiled and grabbed another piece of pizza, "So rules, right?"

She shook her head, trying to remember her train of thought, "Rules. We can't just jump into this. We have to be considerate of others. And we have to careful with ourselves."

She wasn't ready to have her heart broken again. She was glad Derek was starting to grasp that fact.

"Rule number 1. No one knows. We test the waters without all of Seattle Grace knowing."

Derek cringed slightly and Addison quickly knew rule number 1 was already in trouble.

"What? Is there a problem with keeping our private lives out of the hospital?"

"Well…no…but someone knows."

"Oh God, it's Meredith. She's going to kill me."

"You're safe for now. It's not Meredith. It's Mark."

She gives a soft scream, clearly exasperated, "That's just as bad. He cannot keep a secret for the life of him. I was starting to like not being hated. The nurses gossiped so much less when I wasn't involved in the Mcdreamy equation."

"You weren't hated."

She cocked an eyebrow, "I was despised. I'm actually pretty sure the nurses had a plot to get rid of me and hide the body in the boiler room. The only reason they didn't carry it out is because Callie was living down there."

Derek looked at her for a moment before breaking into laughter.

She quickly began laughing as well. It was the contagious laughter she had missed so much.

She scooted slightly, placing herself next to his shoulder. A slight touch but enough to keep her content for the moment.

He noticed her move. Things were going better. It had been two weeks since that day in the on call room. Two weeks since he had promised change. Or really two weeks since he said he wanted to go back to being the person he was.

They had eaten in many nights. This was their third pizza joint. They had tried 5 Chinese places. And 2 Thai take out restaurants. They had shared lunch twice in the on call room. Enough for them to feel comfortable around one another again.

Even before she had said rule number one he had known their relationship would have to be kept a secret for a while.

Everyone would call her a fool for putting herself in this situation with him again. His conversation with Mark had convinced him of that.

Mark had questioned him a few times but he had been able to avoid the conversation thanks to his pager going off at the most opportune moments.

There was of course still some hesitation. They hadn't talked about the serious issues. Mostly rehashed memories of times in New York.

They were past Mark. It seemed like a life time ago now as he sat with her. Her shoulder grazing his slightly, her weight against him when she laughed.

She was controlled but in moments she let go and she let go enough for him to feel at ease with the situation.

She turned to him, her eyes bright. He had missed that. He had forgotten the way her eyes lit up when she was excited. When the words couldn't come off her lips fast enough.

"I remember the only way I could negotiate a truce with the nurses was to let them borrow my shoes. Oh lord. I cried so hard when Carol stuffed her chubby size 11 feet into my precious size eights. I sacrificed Jimmy Choos for you. You better have appreciated that."

She glared at him with laughter in her eyes. She looked happy in that moment.

He lifted a hand and traced her chin. The feel of her soft skin igniting a million emotions within him.

He leaned in and she met him half way. They always met half way.

It was easy. So easy to just be with her. It always just fell into place with them.

They always fought. Fighting was like second nature. But making up was second nature as well.

She pulled away and leaned her forehead on his. Her eyes still closed. Her cheeks flushed.

Looking at her now he couldn't imagine not finding himself in this exact place. Everything he ever done had led him back to her. Even running away had only brought him back to her.

He felt so insecure at that moment. He had chosen her. He left Meredith. He felt like he had made these decisions and put her in a place where she had no choice.

"Did you love him?"

She leaned away. Taken aback by his sudden change in tone.

"Derek…what do you mean?"

He steadied himself. So afraid of her answer.

"Did you fall in love with him?"

She straightened her posture and closed her eyes.

What was she supposed to say? How could she explain?

"Addison. I need to know. I…" he trailed off.

He needed her so badly and the thought that she might not need him just as bad left him feeling empty.

She took his hand and rubbed small circles. She could hear the panic in his voice.

"Derek. I couldn't fall in love with him. I told him from the first day that I was still in love with you. We were just trying to put the pieces of our lives back together."

She hated herself in that moment. He had told her he loved Meredith with such indifference for her emotions. With such little regard for how much power he had over her. And here she was in the same situation unable to tell him a lie to hurt him as bad as he had hurt her.

Old memories surfaced. Things were disastrous between them. Were they fools to try again? Was she a fool to put herself in a situation where he could hurt her again?

He watched the emotions play across her face and he felt almost like he could read her mind.

12 years together had given him some abilities.

"I didn't love her. I don't know why I said it then. I just wanted to hurt you so bad. To make you feel like it was easy to fall out of love with you. It's not Addy. Not loving you is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do."

She shook her head, a small smile on her lips, "You don't know the half of it Derek."

He kissed her again, this time with more fury and passion.

Who had they been kidding?

She grazed the back of his neck with her fingertips. Showing a sign of affection as she broke the kiss. She was so unaccustomed to seeing such a vulnerable Derek. A Derek who observed and talked about what was on his mind.

It was the Derek she knew in New York before they had drifted apart.

"I think its time you go home Derek. Callie gets off her shift in 15 minutes."

He nodded and looked into her eyes.

"Are we okay?"

His voice faltered as it had all night.

She smiled, her lips forming a high curve, "Yeah. We're getting there."

* * *

_I was driving too close to the edge and living dangerously  
__I felt strange, a warm sensation rising up inside of me  
__Oh like a tidal wave came from nowhere swept me off my feet  
__Oh but somehow making me complete now _

* * *

Derek was putting on his coat when Addison appeared at his side.

She had a sly grin on her face.

"I've got a surprise."

She placed herself infront of him. Her body leaning against him.

She was so cruel.

"It better involve your lips," he whispered before kissing her fiercely.

She placed her lips at his ear, "It might. Callie just called, she's spending the night at George's. So…"

She trailed off.

He looked into her eyes seeing a twinkle, "So?"

She kissesd him again confirming the look in his eye.

It had been a very long two weeks.

_Whatever I do I'm under the influence of you  
__Whatever I do I'm under the influence of you_

* * *

James Morrison

I love the end part of this. Those last few sentances between Derek and Addison are my favorite! Expect lots more Addek interaction in the coming chapters. I also have some hoops for Derek and then the conclusion! Which I had written in my mind like ages a go but I'm finally at the point where I know when I put it all together it will make sense.

I'm so excited. I hope there are still readers out there who are as excited as I am to know this story is starting to get where I imagined it to be like a year ago. Seriously. I love this baby and I hope you do too!

Review for brownie points. Yummmm...

* * *


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